As J.Diva has become more about my life during and after cancer treatment, and the effect all that has had on my well-being and lifestyle and views, I have been contemplating a way to encapsulate my new-found feelings on life. The most obvious shorthand answer is this simply: LIVE.
All that I have suffered has been so I can just continue to live. And now that I am still alive, there remains the obstacle of truly living. People have been so kind and gracious to me as I have struggled for meaning in my difficulties, and tried to tackle the things I cannot change.
During my tired and quiet days, I spent much time contemplating my past and future. Much has changed, but I think I have always been me, and fearing death has only made me want to live a life more true to that original me.
So this is the philosophy I have chosen to highlight going into my future-- to live life in a way that has meaning, exemplifies grace, and honors courage:
LIVE BRAVELY
LIVE GRACIOUSLY
LIVE MEANINGFULLY
Sunday, February 22, 2015
So You Don't Want To Raise A Racist?
Lately, the news has been full of proof of a horrific truth: racism in
modern America.
I don’t want to rant on and on, but race is a big issue in my life and I plan to write a lot more about it in the future. Today I focus on some of the things I credit for helping me grow up rejecting racism. If you are a parent, unnerved by the world your child is being raised in, I invite you to take a few cues from my parents and my early childhood.
I don’t want to rant on and on, but race is a big issue in my life and I plan to write a lot more about it in the future. Today I focus on some of the things I credit for helping me grow up rejecting racism. If you are a parent, unnerved by the world your child is being raised in, I invite you to take a few cues from my parents and my early childhood.
Note
that I wasn't taken to riots or protests as a child, and I wasn't
lectured on race by my parents (though those may not be bad ideas).
Heck- my parents are Republicans! But you don't have to be a protesting revolutionary to raise empathetic children. Rather, as I will relate, there are some very simple things that parents can do to
encourage open-mindedness without forcing any rhetoric down their kids'
throats.
Full
disclosure: I’m as white as they
come. Blond hair, blue eyes,
freckles. “Northern European-American
sounds so much more glamorous…but yeah, I’m just white…” I sheepishly reported
to a state employee taking down my demographic information the other day.
And
my husband is black. His
family is “good old-fashioned plantation black” as one of my favorite
co-workers in Maryland once described.
He is also ¼ Native American.
Our
babies will be as mixed as you can imagine. And we love that!
So that’s the angle I’m coming from. It puts me in an interesting position to watch and listen as
our two worlds interact.
The
usual reaction from our loved ones about our relationship is “PLEASE have babies NOW! We can’t wait to see them!” But, as,
oh, so many recent news events reveal, there is still so much racism in this
world and, surprisingly, in this country—a country which fought so hard for
freedom and liberty, and sacrificed so many lives nearly two centuries ago to eradicate slavery here.
I
remember watching an old news video during law school about the race riots
that happened when schools began to integrate in Boston around 1974. It blew my mind. I never even knew this had happened, let alone happened in such recent history! I was amazed that it took all the way
until law school before a teacher of mine would go there. For shame!
ME: They had RACE riots in the NORTH?! In the 1970’s?! Martin Luther King, Jr. was dead and
buried well before 1974! Also, the
Supreme Court ruled interracial marriage Constitutional several years before
this! The March on Washington was
a memory! Birth of a Nation was an old, old movie at this point! The North had won the Civil War more
than 100 years prior and the XIV Amendment abolishing slavery was also over 100
years old!
I
listened with my jaw on my desk.
White people rioting because they don’t want young black students at
their local schools? Young, black
students who were probably scared out of their minds at going to a new school
already. How cruel can you
seriously be? Protesting against children
going to school…now that’s low.
I’m
not sure exactly when the following interview was recorded, but it would have
been within the last few years. It
was originally broadcast by WGBH and was picked up by NPR’s This American Life podcast in 2013. You can listen to it free on a This American Life re-cap podcast, just search iTunes for: recap of
TAL episodes 51-75 (2013). #52
“This Year—recapping the best podcasts.”
The interview starts around 2 hours and 20 minutes into the recap
episode.
It
is an interview from a random husband and wife (Caroline and Danny) in Charlestown, Massachusetts,
(Boston suburb) where some Boston busing race riots once occurred—
Wife: What happened on the Oprah show was,
she had on a white man who was married to a white woman—he disowned his
children for being associated with black men and then in fact disowned his
grandchildren because they were, they were black in them. And I was saying, “That’s a disgrace! That’s your blood, you don’t disown anyone.” And Danny said…
Husband: I don’t
know…what did I say?
Wife: You said that you thought he was right.
Husband: I said, “I don’t know what I would do, but I
understood his, his feelings.”
So, you wouldn’t mind your daughters marrying a black guy either?
Wife: I didn’t say that, which we have
discussed at length, that that is a
fear of mine, that I would like to think I’m open-minded about race, more so
than I’ve ever been. But if it
came down to my daughters choosing
another race, I don’t think I’d be happy with that.
Husband: I mean,
I’m definitely, ahh… I wouldn’t say a racist,
but I have definitely bitter feelings towards blacks. I was raised that way, too. I mean, my father’s an [--unintelligible, maybe
“anti-panther”--] I think it rubs
off on ya. Like I would
never deliberately, I would never say anything to my girls, but they’ll
learn. They’ll learn what’s,
what’s there’s and, ya know, what’s your own and things like that. But that’s just growing up around
the same type of people—they’ll look at anyone that’s not like them
differently—I don’t have to tell them that. It sounds ignorant, but I had no problem, I like the way I
grew up and Caroline's outta the same mold and I don’t have a problem with
that. I’m not gonna push it on
them at all, but I hope someday they marry and Irish Catholic boy and, ya know,
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Other people say that’s being racial; I think it’s natural
to like your own kind of people.
…
Ya
know, I think it’s a rare breed of person, you must have to grow up somewhere
where you walk down the street and there’s a black kid, a Chinese kid, and
white kid, and a Puerto Rican kid all playing together. I just can’t even imagine that. That’s just some kind of made up fairy
tale, I think, where everyone gets along together. Ya know, I can’t imagine it.
Whoa.
So,
back to me.
If
that^ is what white America looks like, how did a white middle class female
from a very conservative and religious family like I did, come to be so not racist? How did I miss that whole part about implicitly learning
“what’s mine” while I was growing up?
For
starters, that “fairy tale” this couple spoke of where everyone is together and
gets along—that mythical place that this Massachusetts couple just “can’t
imagine”…well, that was my childhood.
Diversity in Early
Childhood:
Just
to illustrate the point, my hometown (not the county, not the region, but
merely the CITY of 300,000) had entire congregations of my church (not ALL churches, just my church) that
were specifically dedicated to the following languages/cultures: English,
Korean, Vietnamese, Spanish, and Samoan. And we’re not talking about the Catholic church or
something else super common, that’s the itty bitty MORMON church!
I remember being little and my mom teaching me the phrase "White Flight" and telling me how pathetic
it is that some white people get so scared when minorities move into
their neighborhood that they leave and want to cluster together.
Decades
later on an airplane to Israel for my summer studies, I sat by two of my peers, also
from Orange County, California, but from more white/more affluent
cities. I told them I was from Garden Grove. Their only response,
besides laughter, was this mocking statement, "White people live there?" Mom was right. They are pathetic.
In
3rd grade, my two very best friends were:
1)
Raquel—Mexican-American and also descended from the Gabrielino tribe. Her mom took us to the Native American
Festival at the Orange County Fairgrounds and it was awesome! Raquel seemed to know literally
everything, constantly spouting facts about this and that. And we would spy to get naughty kids’
names and room numbers, and tell the teacher on duty so they could get written
up (I know, I know, snitches get stitches…).
2)
Angela—1st generation Vietnamese-American. She and her parents answered the phone in Vietnamese when I
would call, so I knew about –that—
much Vietnamese. Angela would share books with me, we had similar tastes in
fiction and loved to talk about what we were reading.
Around
4th grade most of the girls in my class, including myself, were
obsessed with playing Gonggi (basically Korean JAX) so me, Raquel, Angela, the
Korean girls, and a smattering of other girls played every chance we got. I always won. Seriously, I was excellent
at Gonggi.
The diversity I was
surrounded with meant a wider field of companions, and even little boy crushes,
to choose from. Although I know my
close peeps will try to be assigning my old flames to the following list, this
is how my little crushes and boyfriends from 3rd through 12th
grade looked: blond guy, Latino, blond, Latino, Korean, blond, Latino, mixed Asian/white,
Eastern European immigrant, blond, Polynesian, and mixed white/Latino. So about half of them looked like
me. The other half, really
not. I liked the BOY, not his hair
color or skin color. And what do I
care which language his mom answers the phone in when I call?
My close girl friends’ families already had me speaking the mildest of
conversational Vietnamese, Korean, and Spanish anyway!
Genuinely Embracing Culture (yours and others'!)
My FAVORITE day of the entire
school year throughout Elementary School was always "Multi-Cultural Day." (In fact, I used to think that Neapolitan ice cream was called Multi-Cultural ice cream, lol.) Usually my mom baked Irish Soda Bread for me to bring for the
class, and I would get up in front of everyone and beam as I gushed about my
Irish/English/Welsh/Danish ancestors.
No white shaming here.
White people have rich heritages, too, and I was more than proud to
share mine!
Later, I took International Dance in college and loved performing the dances that would have been native to my own ancestors. It was very grounding and thought-provoking to contemplate my ancestors. Still, my favorite was Polynesian dancing. I became good enough that I even performed in a few Fijian dances for huge ticketed performances in a stadium that could seat over 20,000 people! This was a big deal! I’m not a Pacific islander…at all. But I loved their culture and I was freely welcomed to celebrate it by my Hawaiian dance instructor, Kauwe, who taught me various forms of Polynesian dance. Just as welcoming was her New Zealander husband who taught me to dance The Haka!
Later, I took International Dance in college and loved performing the dances that would have been native to my own ancestors. It was very grounding and thought-provoking to contemplate my ancestors. Still, my favorite was Polynesian dancing. I became good enough that I even performed in a few Fijian dances for huge ticketed performances in a stadium that could seat over 20,000 people! This was a big deal! I’m not a Pacific islander…at all. But I loved their culture and I was freely welcomed to celebrate it by my Hawaiian dance instructor, Kauwe, who taught me various forms of Polynesian dance. Just as welcoming was her New Zealander husband who taught me to dance The Haka!
One
more word on culture, living in Southern California, we are very
influenced by Latin American cultures. Half of my family speaks decent
or fluent Spanish. Some people who live relatively close to the Mexican
border get all
angsty about immigration and “those illegal Mexicans taking our jobs.” My family? We dress like luchadors
and box on the trampoline, shouting playful insults in Spanish.
A poor representation of Mexican-Americans? Obviously. But if that is not embracing something not native to your background, then I don't know what is. ;-)
A poor representation of Mexican-Americans? Obviously. But if that is not embracing something not native to your background, then I don't know what is. ;-)
Parental Attitudes:
When
most people would have probably thought I was too young to "get it," I
remember my family placing the musical West Side Story in front of me.
This is a musical written by Leonard Bernstein, patterned after Romeo
and Juliet, about a Puerto Rican Maria and a white Tony who fall in love
and are driven apart, (and driven to violence, sorrow, and death) not
by their Houses, but by their racial and cultural groups.
When
I first saw this movie, I was a mess! I wish I could see my young
little self sobbing on the couch about the injustice of it all! I
refused to watch the movie again for years because it had made me so
emotional and I didn't want to have to cry that much again. I was
haunted by the words of the two young people yearning for a home
together free from racism where they could share their love in peace, "There's a place for us, somewhere a place for us..." The simple fact that my parents owned this movie, let alone told a child it was a great movie to watch, certainly says something.
Now,
A few words about my dad. He is an attorney and I have seen my dad
brag about few women (besides my mom) the way he brags about the skills
of his legal secretary. We ALL know that she is the best legal
secretary in Los Angeles County! And she's black. Her excellent work
and work ethic were known to us long before we knew the color of her
skin. And so from his bragging, us kids implicitly knew that black women can and should and do succeed in the workplace. And she was our living proof.
Along
those lines, I never saw my dad more excited about a case than when his
innocent African immigrant client was found Not Guilty of a trumped up
rape charge! How many dads tell their young girls about getting a black
immigrant out of jail who is accused of rape, and are HAPPY about it??
My dad. Why?
(1) Because he was innocent, no matter where he's from or what he looks like.
(2) Justice is far more important than race. In fact, race is irrelevant to justice.
My dad didn't know it, but these were the lessons he was teaching me just by living his life and talking about it.
Even
when I was in college my parents were still influencing my views on
race and race relations-- I don't think they were doing it on purpose
(in fact, I don't think that they ever did it on purpose) they were just being their amazing selves. One holiday break, I came home to my parents playing the movie Amazing Grace
basically
on repeat. If you don't know this movie, it is about an inspired man
in British Parliament making it his life's work to end the slave trade
in England. It is a superb film and I cry every time I watch it. A
testament to the power of looking out for our fellow human beings.
The Take Home #1= DIVERSITY.
Do you want your kids to be those ignorant guys on the plane laughing at a stranger about her hometown, "White people live there?"
or do you want your kid to be the one who speaks Spanish, has lived
abroad, knows Polynesian dance, has friends of every color, and is NOT a
racist jerk? Growing up in all-white, upper-class neighborhood and
schools does not necessarily doom you to racism...but I have seen very
little evidence to the contrary.
If
it means putting your kid in an ethnic Dance Troupe (not your
ethnicity), do it. If it means going out of your way to set up
play-dates with families you wouldn't immediately consider, do it. If
it means playing on community sports teams instead of fancy all-white
club teams, do it. In my experiences, exposure Early And Often to people who look different than you is fundamental.
Take Home #2= POSITIVE LEARNING/MEDIA INFLUENCES.
Not
the news. Definitely not the
news. All your kids will see there are
artificial women who think they are pioneers in their field by being a female
newscaster. The only thing you’re
pioneering are new Botox treatments.
Look at your face in the mirror and then look at your wrinkly male co-host
and tell me I’m lying. NOT the
news.
Instead,
try History! The story of the
struggle for equality is one that spans generations and continents. Let
children know about the sacrifices Abolitionist made, the risks that
anti-Nazi agitators in Europe faced with bravery, the tragedy of
September 11,
2001. History is often sad, but it
is real, and there is no better way to learn how to not make mistakes in the
future, than by learning from the past.
Podcasts are exploding with great information presented in an accessible manner. Stuff You Missed in History Class is a podcast presented in a way that kids can understand and is culturally sensitive.
And books! I recently bought a children's book about Thomas Jefferson that even mentions Sally Hemings!
And books! I recently bought a children's book about Thomas Jefferson that even mentions Sally Hemings!
"But monumental figures
can have monumental flaws, and Jefferson was no exception. Although he
called slavery an 'abomination,' he owned about 150 slaves..."
-Thomas Jefferson: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Everything
Maira Kalman
Well-crafted
films can be a great way to incorporate history, politics, and sensitive themes
like race, which would otherwise probably be difficult to have a lengthy
conversation with your child about without losing his or her attention. Seek out the West Side Story and the Amazing
Grace that suits your family.
And let them spur subsequent conversations. I remember after watching Pocahontas, I asked my mom if Pocahontas and John Smith got
married. When she said no, I was
so devastated that I silently cried in the back seat all the way home from the
movie theater. So learn your
history and be prepared to supplement the media with the true stories and with the untold stories of past heroes.
Good
luck, and don’t let me down—my kids will need friends who like them for who they
are, not for how they look, where they live, or where their grandparents came from.
#EndRacism
#EndRacism
"Feminism"
“Feminism” has become a loaded term, to
say the least.
For me, the word often conjures images of bra-burning, sexually promiscuous radicals of the 1970’s.
It also makes me think of 1980’s shoulder pads and power suits.
Many women hear the word “feminist” and cannot shake the ridiculous stereotype
of Lesbians who think the world would be better without any men at
all.
I attneded a conservative university (understatement!) and
I recall hearing my female peers again and again—typically when in the company
of a young man they hoped would woo them—declare,
“No, I’m not a feminist!
Call me traditional, but I love men and
I don’t think I need
to be better than them to feel good about myself.”
This stance always confused me. Being a feminist
does not mean you can't love men. It also doesn't mean that you can’t be happy and satisfied with yourself unless you are somehow fundamentally viewed as better
(whatever that means…) than a man.
In fact, you don’t even have to be a female
to be a feminist.
So why the visceral, negative reaction to the very word—feminist, I wonder?
It always appeared to me that these college ladies were
convinced that touting themselves as “feminists” would make them less desirable
for men or somehow less worthy of male admiration. As if a real woman
who respects men, wants to have children with a man someday, and doesn’t want
to immediately tear patriarchy to pieces cannot possibly also be a feminist.
ERROR.
This is incorrect.
Feminism has come to be defined by its connotation, rather
than its denotation. So let’s
educate ourselves.
feminism
[fem-uh-niz-uh m]
noun
The doctrine advocating social, political, and all
other rights of women equal to those of men.
Do you see anything about bringing men down? Do you see anything about being a
Lesbian? Do you even see anything
about being a female?
Me neither.
Feminism is about bringing women up, not about bringing
men down. It is about allowing
women the same rights and opportunities to rise, succeed, and lead in
political, economic, social, business, educational (ETC.) realms that men
currently enjoy.
Whether you want to admit it or not, even though we have
had the right to vote for a hundred years, there are still many other rights
–spoken or implied—that are currently out of our reach.
I had a Womens Studies professor from Stanford University who
bemoaned that she could never quite get the opportunities to have buddy-buddy
time with her (mostly male) superiors because (get this!) she was aware that most important
promotional decisions were made among the top men while they were all together AT THE URINAL in the men’s
bathroom.
1) Gross.
2) Wow.
Talk about going to great lengths to keep the ladies from being a part
of the discussion.
So she fought fire with fire and started making smalltalk
with the few female executives in the ladies restroom, too! She claimed she would never have gotten the job she
ultimately received if she hadn’t been building cliques in these intimate moments.
But should it really be like that? Should we have to go behind closed
doors to try to scam our way to the top in secret societies and compacts that
equal those of our male competitors? Well,
I don’t think they have to be our competitors
at all. I think that the most
progress will be made when men are our allies in the cause of equal rights for
women.
Emma Watson made big headlines by thinking this way
recently in a now-famous speech she made at the United Nations.
She did a great job, so I will quote much of what she
stated:
“Today we are launching a campaign He For She. I am reaching out to you because we need your help. We
must try to mobilize as many men and boys as possible to be advocates for
change. We don’t just want to talk about it. We want to try and make sure it’s
tangible…
“The more I spoke about feminism, the more I realized that
fighting for women’s rights has too often become synonymous with man-hating. If
there is one thing I know for certain is that this has to stop. For the record,
feminism by definition is the belief that men and women should have equal
rights and opportunities. It is the theory of political, economic and social
equality of the sexes.
…
“[My] recent research has shown me that feminism has become an unpopular word. Women are choosing not to
identify as feminists. Apparently, [women’s expression is] seen as too strong,
too aggressive, anti-men, unattractive.
“Why has the word become such an unpopular one? I think it is right
I am paid the same as my male counterparts. I think it is right that I should
make decisions about my own body. I think it is right that women be involved on
my behalf in the policies and decisions that affect my life. I think it is
right that socially, I am afforded the same respect as men.
…
“It is not the word that is important. It is the idea and the
ambition behind it because not all women received the same rights I have. In
fact, statistically, very few have.
“In 1997, Hillary Clinton made a famous speech in Beijing about
women’s rights. Sadly, many that she wanted to change are still true today.
Less than 30% of the audience were male. How can we effect change in the world
when only half of it is invited to participate in the conversation?
“Men, I would like to give this opportunity to extend your
formal invitation. Gender equality is your issue, too. To date, I’ve seen my
father’s role as a parent being valued less by society. I’ve seen young men
suffering from illness, unable to ask for help for fear it will make them less
of a man. I’ve seen men fragile and insecure by what constitutes male success.
Men don’t have the benefits of equality, either.
“We don’t want to talk about men being imprisoned by gender
stereotypes but I can see that they are. When they are free, things will change
for women as a natural consequence. If men don’t have to be aggressive, women
won’t be compelled to be submissive. If men don’t need to control, women won’t
have to be controlled.
“Both men and women
should feel free to be strong…We can all be freer and this is what HeForShe
is about. It’s about freedom. I want men to take up this mantle so their
daughters, sisters and mothers can be free from prejudice but also so their
sons have permission to be vulnerable and human, too and in doing so, be a more
true and complete version of themselves.”
...
Really, great!
Watching her speak about this made me very emotional. Most young women in her shoes respond to film-made fame with plastic surgery and materialism. Instead, she went to college and became
a Goodwill Ambassador for UN Women, so she can use her name to forward a cause
she feels strongly about. Now there is a role model.
She referenced the #HeForShe movement in her speech.
Here is their website: http://www.heforshe.org/
Self-described as a Solidarity Movement for Gender
Equality, it invites men to assist women in reaching parity.
In response, a subsequent speaker before the UN in 2014
announced a conference to discuss how to reach gender equality. Sounds like nothing new until you find
out that this conference is for men only.
At first that may seem like a step backward to exclude women, but I
think it is actually a revolutionary leap forward to have men championing this issue.
Here’s some excerpts from an article about the announcement:
During a speech before the United Nations,
Iceland's Foreign Minister Gunnar Bragi said his country and Suriname are
convening a conference to talk about gender equality.
The catch? Only men and boys are invited.
"We
want to bring men and boys to the table on gender equality in a positive way.
"Iceland
and Suriname will convene a ‘Barbershop’ conference in January 2015 where men
will discuss gender equality with other men, with a special focus on addressing
violence against women. This will be a unique conference as it will be the
first time at the United Nations that we bring together only men leaders to
discuss gender equality."
As the AP reports, Bragi was making
the announcement in commemoration of the 20th anniversary of the 1995 U.N.
women's conference in which world leaders declared, "women's rights are human rights."
(At U.N., Iceland Announces Men-Only Conference On Gender Equality
by Eyder Peralta)
Emma Watson also referenced the fact that “feminism” has
become a nasty word among so many young women; an undesirable trait if you’re
trying to catch a man.
To that point, the following book is somewhat
controversial and, yes, she uses somewhat vulgar language. But I cannot shake this one excerpt in
particular from my mind. I first
heard it read over the radio by the author in her delightful accent and I
cheered in my car as I listened:
We need to reclaim the word 'feminism'. We
need the word 'feminism' back real bad. When statistics come in saying that
only 29% of American women would describe themselves as feminist - and only 42%
of British women - I used to think, What do you think feminism IS, ladies? What
part of 'liberation for women' is not for you? Is it freedom to vote? The right
not to be owned by the man you marry? The campaign for equal pay? 'Vogue' by
Madonna? Jeans? Did all that good shit GET ON YOUR NERVES? Or were you just
DRUNK AT THE TIME OF THE SURVEY?”
But, of course, you might be asking
yourself, 'Am I a feminist? I might not be. I don't know! I still don't know
what it is! I'm too knackered and confused to work it out. That curtain pole
really still isn't up! I don't have time to work out if I am a women's libber!
There seems to be a lot to it. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?'
I understand.
So here is the quick way of working out if you're a feminist. Put your hand in your pants.
a) Do you have a vagina? and
b) Do you want to be in charge of it?
If you said 'yes' to both, then congratulations! You're a feminist.
And the round of applause goes to Caitlin Moran, author of
How To Be a Woman.
Still confused about whether or not you want to embrace
that word, feminism?
Never fear!
Modern day feminist are not only embracing the word, but re-defining it
to fit their idea of women’s rights and equality in the current day.
To combat the negative stereotype of “feminists,” essayist
Roxane Gay refers to herself as a “Bad Feminist” in that she fully supports
women’s issues and women’s equality, but she doesn’t fit into your mental image
of what a feminist should be—and
she’s okay with that!
NPR writer Annalisa Quinn reviewed her recent book of
essays titled Bad Feminist, and
concluded/quoted the following:
"I
am failing as a woman," she writes in one essay. "I am failing as a
feminist. To freely accept the feminist label would not be fair to good feminists. If I am, indeed, a
feminist, I am a rather bad one. I am a mess of contradictions."
In
a different essay, she says she is "trying to support what I believe in,
trying to do some good in this world, trying to make some noise with my writing
while also being myself: a woman who loves pink and likes to get freaky and
sometimes dances her ass off to music she knows, she knows, is terrible for
women and who sometimes plays dumb with repairmen because it's just easier to
let them feel macho than it is to stand on the moral high ground."
But
is feminism that monolithic?" I ask. "Are those necessarily
contradictions?" She says, "I think the way feminism is talked about
is monolithic. A lot of what I'm exploring in Bad Feminist is how I'm overcoming the
preconceived notions I've had about feminism and what feminism actually is, and
confusing feminists with feminism."
Gay's
problem might be that she's not very good at faking. Most people have an idea
of who they are or who they want to be (good feminist, happy person), and go
about projecting some more or less consistent version of it. Gay doesn't, or if
she does, she's terrible at it.
"I
do have personal boundaries and I'm actually a very private person, but there's
no point in pretending I'm always cheerful," she says. "I'm not.
That's just not me, and I don't feel the need to create a persona. And I don't
feel the need to play the games that sometimes people play, like projecting a
perfect life or a happy life or very well crafted insecurities. No, I kind of
have them all."
Amen.
You can like imported perfume, and leopard print high
heels, and even secretly indulge in the occasional Chris Brown song and still
think that equality is important.
Being true to your own feelings and beliefs and being committed to
providing an environment where you and others have the liberty to achieve is
paramount to fitting within the parameters of an old, typecast label.
Don't be afraid to be called a feminist, embrace it! Make the title yours, make it serve you! Fear not, because you are your own person and cannot possibly fit within the confines of one politically-charged term.
So don't think of yourself so one-dimensionally. For me, I am a
feminist. AND I love to swim. AND I love to wear dresses. AND I love
my husband. AND I was honored to see Michelle Obama recently. AND I'm
religious. AND I am registered Independent voter. AND I am a cancer survivor.
AND I love to study Near Eastern history. And, and, and... We are
each far too complicated to be afraid that ONE label with an old,
negative connotation will somehow change us or make us overall less
desirable or less worthy of love.
So it appears to me that the so-called “New Feminism” is
really just an effort to eradicate the bad, likely false, connotations lingering from the
“Old” ERA-era feminists. The
bra-burners and man-haters or yore.
But as we try
to free ourselves from labels that scare away people who should be our allies, let us not also improperly label our forbearers
in this movement. One of the legal
champions of women's rights from a fading era is US Supreme Court Justice Ruth
Bader Ginsberg. She is a hero to
many a law student.
(Probably an inappropriate side-note, but I saw this
Halloween costume of The Notorious RBG at the time this was first published, and it cracked me up! See, I’m a bad feminist too… )
I recently read an interview with Justice Ginsburg and was
inspired by some of her wisdom. Published
in September 2014, she (“RBG”) was interviewed by Jeffrey Rosen (“JR”) and here
is an excerpt:
JR:
How much did your experience with the ACLU influence the kind of justice you
became?
RBG: When I was writing briefs13 for
the ACLU Women’s Rights Project, I tried to write them so that a justice who
agreed with me could write his opinion from the brief. I conceived of myself in
large part as a teacher. There wasn’t a great understanding of gender
discrimination. People knew that race discrimination was an odious thing, but
there were many who thought that all the gender-based differentials in the law
operated benignly in women’s favor. So my objective was to take the Court step
by step to the realization, in Justice Brennan’s words, that the pedestal on
which some thought women were standing all too often turned out to be a cage.
JR:
How has the dynamic on the Court changed as it has added more women?
RBG: Justice O’Connor and I were together
for more than twelve years and in every one of those twelve years, sooner or
later, at oral argument one lawyer or another would call me Justice O’Connor.
They were accustomed to the idea that there was a woman on the Supreme Court
and her name was Justice O’Connor. Sandra would often correct the attorney, she
would say, “I’m Justice O’Connor, she’s Justice Ginsburg.” The worst times were
the years I was alone. The image to the public entering the courtroom was eight
men, of a certain size, and then this little woman sitting to the side. That
was not a good image for the public to see.14 But
now, with the three of us on the bench, I am no longer lonely and my newest
colleagues are not shrinking violets. Not this term but the term before,
Justice Sotomayor beat out Justice Scalia as the justice who asks the most
questions during argument.15
JR:
What’s your message to the new generation of feminists who really look to you
as a role model?
RBG: Work for the things that you care
about. I think of the ’70s, when many young women supported an Equal Rights
Amendment. I was a proponent of the ERA. The women of my generation and my
daughter’s generation, they were very active in moving along the social change
that would result in equal citizenship stature for men and women. One thing
that concerns me is that today’s young women don’t seem to care that we have a
fundamental instrument of government that makes no express statement about the
equal citizenship stature of men and women. They know there are no closed doors
anymore, and they may take for granted the rights that they have.
Work for
the things you care about.
Doesn’t that apply to just about everything?
Equality is something that I care about. We think we live in a “free country” or
in the “modern world” but people’s rights are being trampled all the time. Slumlords rule over impoverished renters. Women are held hostage in their own
homes by violent partners.
Children cower under a silent shroud of abuse. Government employees turn a blind eye when inmates or
arrestees are beaten near to death when their supposed protectors get annoyed
with them.
There are many brave people fighting for justice and
equality on so many fronts. My
hope is that more ladies AND gentlemen join the fight on behalf of gender
equality, so that half of the planet is not immediately placed in second class
at birth.
I am so encouraged when I particularly hear of men taking
on this task, as a human right worth fighting for.
I saw some beautiful photographs highlighted by a BBC
interview of a photographer for their 100
Women series.
“Photographer, blogger and poet Nana Kofi Acquah uses his travels around Africa to chronicle the
lives of women at their most accomplished and at their most vulnerable…A
self-declared male feminist, he says his mission is to change the narrative
around African women where they are often portrayed as victims of circumstance.”
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"For me, feminism is when we can create a
world where a woman has the same rights as a man. I believe my daughter
has the same rights as my sons," the photographer said.
To the strong and courageous women and men around the world who
struggle for survival and do so much to carve out a better life for themselves
and their daughters—you are not alone.
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