What follows are things women need to please stop doing immediately. In other words, things I hate:
1) This disgusting new literary phenomenon known as the "Birth Story." BARF. If I am super creepy and gross and I seriously want details about your little alien emerging from your enlarged cervix, then I will ask. The fact that you assume everyone wants to know, to the point that you type it and post it online for all the world to read, is THE most awkward thing ever. The Spotlight Effect at its finest. Or maybe just plain old narcissism. Whatever it is, its gross.
If I wrote a birth story, the most I would be willing to divulge to the public would be something like this:
I went to a hospital pregnant, I came home not pregnant and with a baby.
If I really wanted to be TMI-accurate, my most probable future birth scenario may possibly be summed up with:
I went to a hospital pregnant, the doctors had to cut me open, husband puked, doctors pulled out a screaming purple prune child, the prune child has not stopped screaming since, I am in pain, but not pregnant anymore... and then there were three. The End.
How much more is there really to tell? Apparently A LOT because when you say "Birth Story" what you really mean is "Birth Novel" with way too many words for any person with a life to ever read, and photos of your screaming purple thing and you, looking like hell. Bravo.
2) Nail Art.
Anyone with a serious job cannot possibly engage in this grossly time-consuming practice. I would be laughed out of the courthouse if I had miniature Eiffel Towers, chevron stripes, or Minions all over my fingernails. 99.9% of nail art is ridiculously unprofessional and even childish. Anyone over the age of 10 really should not want to have ten individual cartoon baby tigers staring at them...let alone actually spend 2 hours getting them.
Just think of all of the many hours/days/months/years women around the world have spent with toothpicks and nail polish remover, making the perfect palm tree on their index finger. All for it to chip in about 5 seconds. And then there's the time spent photographing your childish nails, blogging about them, pinning them, tweeting them, la dee dah dee dah... In all of that time collectively wasted on nail art, we probably could have done something REALLY productive like, I don't know, solved urban hunger, cured cancer, planted a million trees, or really anything. Because EVERYTHING is more productive than this so-called "art."
3) Taking bathroom mirror selfies. The only thing I want to see less than your puckered lips is your dirty toilet. Instead, try this amazing trick: ask your partner/friend/roommate/neighbor/co-worker/random person on the street to take a photo of you instead. I know; crazy, right?
The thing is, I am 100% confident that the only reason you fall into the desperate trap of bathroom-mirror-selfie-taking is because just one or two photos taken by someone else is not good enough for you. You have to take dozens of photos from different angles, with more diligent sucking-it-in action, with more favorable shadows across your gut, with the least double chin possible, etc. etc. etc....
No. Nobody is fooled. Just get someone to take the damn photo and be happy with how you look. We are not all runway-ready every single moment of our lives-- far from it-- and you KNOW it. Your social media does not have to reflect the most contrived, people-pleasing you possible; it should just be YOU. You are good enough!
4) Caring about any Kardashian. I don't even want to grace them with my words. Honestly. Suffice it to say that your mind has so many more valuable and enriching things to occupy it. Stop wasting your time and money on these pathetic people who contribute nothing positive to society.
If I ruffled your feathers, #sorrynotsorry
