Love.

Today I had my Post-Operative Follow-Up Appointment with my Neurosurgeon, Dr. Brem.  He is my hero!  First, his Nurse Practitioner came into the room and gave me a big hug and tons of high fives after being impressed at how well I was walking—I even did a spin for her!  As soon as she walked into the room, she shouted, “No cane!” and we did a happy dance.  She also said, “Dr. Brem talks about you ALL the time—he tells everyone, ‘She’s getting married in August!  Her wedding is at Central Park and she needs to be well!’”

When Dr. Brem came into the room, his first words were, “My star patient!”  I swear to you, the Neurosurgery people at Penn and my best buddies.  They have made me feel confident when I was scared, proud when I was weary, and loved when I was uncertain.  I have had excellent CARE, in every sense of the word.

I have been receiving so much love and kindness recently, that I have been really reflecting on the topic.

A favorite quote that comes to mind, encouraging us to follow those little promptings to help that exhausted lady we see, to say something nice to that sad-looking young man, to smile at that child—“Never Suppress a Generous Thought,” Julie B. Beck, Quoting Sister Camilla Kimball.

(This was the CT Scan taken after my operation. This is taken of my left side, with me facing slightly right.  It is really cool because you can see my staples making a candy cane shape, and you can also see the little metal plates at the back of my head- looks kinda patchworky.  And as a bonus, you can also see the fillings in my back molars if you look closely!)

It has been a new experience for me to feel helpless.  I have always prided myself on my ability to be self-sufficient, to do difficult things, and to not need anyone else's help.  On my worst of days lately, I not only had to admit that I needed help, but I needed A LOT of help—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I went from running a marathon, to not being able to walk to the end of my block.  I went from arguing criminal cases in a Philadelphia courtroom and doing legal research late into the night, to not being able to see and hardly being able to stay awake.  In my helpless moments, there always seem to have been someone to guide me and lift my spirits.  During the times when I felt I was barely getting by, and I knew I would NOT get by if it weren’t for the assistance given to me by others, I came to the conclusion that there is just so much need and weariness and helplessness in this world, that there just isn’t room for people to be judgmental, rude, and selfish.

Last week I went to the grocery store on my own for the first time since my surgery.  My vision was almost completely restored at the time.  I had been off of my cane for just a day or two.  I had been off of my narcotic pain killer for just a short time and was having some serious pain and fatigue.  It was all I could do to walk to the store; navigate without getting run over by screaming, unruly children; and pull my cart of food home over the broken sidewalks without falling.

In the process of me trying to get home in one piece, a young lady tried to get me to sign a petition for her.  I politely and very quietly said, “Not right now, sorry.”  I was in so much pain that I could barely speak, and I was trying with all of my might to focus on the bumps in the road I was approaching.  She made some snarky comment that I thought my macaroni was more important than people’s rights.

How badly I wanted to scream at her, “I know all about people's rights.  I gave my heart and soul to being a public defender until I was hospitalized.  This is the first time I have gone to the grocery store alone since I had a malignant lemon-sized tumor removed from my BRAIN!  It is all I can do to not trip or cry at any given moment and I DO NOT have the time, balance, or patience to speak with you or sign your worthless petition right now!”  I was really, truly hurt by her words.  But I said nothing.

I was so sad.  When I had my cane, people either babied me or avoided me.  Now I looked like an average person again, although I didn’t feel so average, and I was being blasted for not doing someone a political favor.  I stewed over this for a long time.  It reinforced what had already been solidifying in my mind—there is just no place for rudeness.  Everyone is fighting their own silent battles every day, seen or unseen, and being quick to judge or harass or antagonize may just be the straw that breaks a person.  As humans, we can have such great effect on one other, for good or for bad. 

It is no wonder, then, that among the Savior’s top priorities was to teach us to love each other.

Matthew, Chapter 22:

 35 Then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked him a question, tempting him, and saying,

 36 Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

 37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

 38 This is the first and great commandment.

 39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

 40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

The lessons I get from this passage are three-fold:

First, cross-examining lawyers can uncover some really good stuff!

Second, loving one another is next to loving God in importance.  Wow.  Tell that to all the people across human history who have fought horrible wars in the name of religion.  From this verse, I don’t think that is exactly justified, but I’m a peace person, so that’s just me talking.

Third, loving God, ourselves, and others is the basis of the entire Gospel!  The scriptures available to the Jews at the time of Christ (The Old Testament or Torah) included the 5 books of Moses, called "The Law” and also the writings of the ancient prophets like Isaiah and Daniel, AKA “The Prophets.”  So what Christ was saying here is that all of holy writ up until that time hinged on the principle of love—love for God, ourselves, and others.  As holy writ has been added to over the years, I believe that this is still the theme of God’s plan: LOVE.

The current prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said this, just this past April in a talk entitled, Love—The Essence of the Gospel:

“Brothers and sisters, as we treat others with love and kind consideration, we will avoid [] regrets.

             "Love is expressed in many recognizable ways: a smile, a wave, a kind comment, a compliment. Other expressions may be more subtle, such as showing interest in another’s activities, teaching a principle with kindness and patience, visiting one who is ill or homebound. These words and actions and many others can communicate love.

“Dale Carnegie, a well-known American author and lecturer, believed that each person has within himself or herself the ‘power to increase the sum total of [the] world’s happiness … by giving a few words of sincere appreciation to someone who is lonely or discouraged.' Said he, 'Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime.’ (Larry Chang, Wisdom for the Soul {2006}, 54).

“May we begin now, this very day, to express love to all of God’s children, whether they be our family members, our friends, mere acquaintances, or total strangers. As we arise each morning, let us determine to respond with love and kindness to whatever might come our way.  

“Beyond comprehension, my brothers and sisters, is the love of God for us. Because of this love, He sent His Son, who loved us enough to give His life for us, that we might have eternal life. As we come to understand this incomparable gift, our hearts will be filled with love for our Eternal Father, for our Savior, and for all mankind.”

Reflecting on the sorrow that comes from not loving other, President Monson often quotes the American poet and abolitionist, John Greenleaf Whittier, who wrote the following poem:

Alas for maiden, alas for Judge,
For rich repiner and household drudge!
God pity them both! and pity us all,
Who vainly the dreams of youth recall;

For of all sad words of tongue or pen,

The saddest are these: "It might have been."

Don’t let that sadness be your sadness.  Failing to love and to give and to help to someone who needed us when we had the opportunity, will doubtless bring sorrow as time goes by.

President Spencer W. Kimball, a previous prophet of the LDS Church stated, “We must remember that those mortals we meet in parking lots, offices, elevators, and elsewhere are that portion of mankind God has given us to love and to serve. It will do us little good to speak of the general brotherhood of mankind if we cannot regard those who are all around us as our brothers and sisters.”

I am preaching to the choir here—it seems like all the people in my life are absolutely excelling at serving and loving the people around them, namely, serving and loving me.  This includes Dr. Brem slam dunking yet again, using his network of geniuses to get my tumor analyzed by the best pathologists in the country at Johns Hopkins, to get a second opinion on my “really crazy” (direct quote from his Nurse Practitioner, haha) tumor.  It is oh, so nice to have friends in high places :)  So, hopefully we’ll hear what they have to say in the near future.

MRI Before Surgery:

MRI After Surgery:

(The doctor said the smudge where the tumor was is excess blood from the operation that will diffuse.  And look! -- the medication to reduce swelling in my brain pre-op worked!  Look how much better it looks like everything fits!  I guess that is also due to the fact that a lemon of junk was removed...but either way, modern medicine at its finest!)

And in just a few days I finally get a chance to see my Radiation Oncologist at Penn and make plans for my follow-up care.  

I am feeling so blessed right now.  Thank you to all of my many caregivers in all capacities—doctors, nurses, receptionists, hospital valet parking personnel, Relief Society sisters, Bishops, parents, grandparents, siblings, extended family, friends from law school, college, and high school, people from church, Marchand Avenue, and Magnolia Park Pool—so many kind-hearted people from all over the world and from all points in my life have reached out to me with love, encouragement, empathy, and hope.   

I never understood the slogan that often accompanies Cancer Awareness paraphernalia “No One Fights Alone,” but now I definitely understand.  There is not one moment during this whole experience when I have been alone.  There was and continued to always be somebody there for me, holding my hand, wheeling my hospital bed around, fetching my favorite green smoothie, writing me a card or letter, creating a beautiful quilt, giving me a box of my favorite chocolates, making me smile, and any other million things just to show their love.  Receiving all of this love has been a life-changing experience in and of itself.  There just is not enough time in this life for anger or hate, so thank you for choosing to love.

(P.S. the gray ribbon represents Brain Cancer and Brain Tumors)

"Life is short and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are travelling the dark journey with us. Oh be swift to love, make haste to be kind."

~Henri-Frederic Amiel