Love.

Today I had my Post-Operative Follow-Up Appointment with my Neurosurgeon, Dr. Brem.  He is my hero!  First, his Nurse Practitioner came into the room and gave me a big hug and tons of high fives after being impressed at how well I was walking—I even did a spin for her!  As soon as she walked into the room, she shouted, “No cane!” and we did a happy dance.  She also said, “Dr. Brem talks about you ALL the time—he tells everyone, ‘She’s getting married in August!  Her wedding is at Central Park and she needs to be well!’”

When Dr. Brem came into the room, his first words were, “My star patient!”  I swear to you, the Neurosurgery people at Penn and my best buddies.  They have made me feel confident when I was scared, proud when I was weary, and loved when I was uncertain.  I have had excellent CARE, in every sense of the word.

I have been receiving so much love and kindness recently, that I have been really reflecting on the topic.

A favorite quote that comes to mind, encouraging us to follow those little promptings to help that exhausted lady we see, to say something nice to that sad-looking young man, to smile at that child—“Never Suppress a Generous Thought,” Julie B. Beck, Quoting Sister Camilla Kimball.

(This was the CT Scan taken after my operation. This is taken of my left side, with me facing slightly right.  It is really cool because you can see my staples making a candy cane shape, and you can also see the little metal plates at the back of my head- looks kinda patchworky.  And as a bonus, you can also see the fillings in my back molars if you look closely!)

It has been a new experience for me to feel helpless.  I have always prided myself on my ability to be self-sufficient, to do difficult things, and to not need anyone else's help.  On my worst of days lately, I not only had to admit that I needed help, but I needed A LOT of help—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I went from running a marathon, to not being able to walk to the end of my block.  I went from arguing criminal cases in a Philadelphia courtroom and doing legal research late into the night, to not being able to see and hardly being able to stay awake.  In my helpless moments, there always seem to have been someone to guide me and lift my spirits.  During the times when I felt I was barely getting by, and I knew I would NOT get by if it weren’t for the assistance given to me by others, I came to the conclusion that there is just so much need and weariness and helplessness in this world, that there just isn’t room for people to be judgmental, rude, and selfish.

Last week I went to the grocery store on my own for the first time since my surgery.  My vision was almost completely restored at the time.  I had been off of my cane for just a day or two.  I had been off of my narcotic pain killer for just a short time and was having some serious pain and fatigue.  It was all I could do to walk to the store; navigate without getting run over by screaming, unruly children; and pull my cart of food home over the broken sidewalks without falling.

In the process of me trying to get home in one piece, a young lady tried to get me to sign a petition for her.  I politely and very quietly said, “Not right now, sorry.”  I was in so much pain that I could barely speak, and I was trying with all of my might to focus on the bumps in the road I was approaching.  She made some snarky comment that I thought my macaroni was more important than people’s rights.

How badly I wanted to scream at her, “I know all about people's rights.  I gave my heart and soul to being a public defender until I was hospitalized.  This is the first time I have gone to the grocery store alone since I had a malignant lemon-sized tumor removed from my BRAIN!  It is all I can do to not trip or cry at any given moment and I DO NOT have the time, balance, or patience to speak with you or sign your worthless petition right now!”  I was really, truly hurt by her words.  But I said nothing.

I was so sad.  When I had my cane, people either babied me or avoided me.  Now I looked like an average person again, although I didn’t feel so average, and I was being blasted for not doing someone a political favor.  I stewed over this for a long time.  It reinforced what had already been solidifying in my mind—there is just no place for rudeness.  Everyone is fighting their own silent battles every day, seen or unseen, and being quick to judge or harass or antagonize may just be the straw that breaks a person.  As humans, we can have such great effect on one other, for good or for bad. 

It is no wonder, then, that among the Savior’s top priorities was to teach us to love each other.

Matthew, Chapter 22:

 35 Then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked him a question, tempting him, and saying,

 36 Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

 37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

 38 This is the first and great commandment.

 39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

 40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

The lessons I get from this passage are three-fold:

First, cross-examining lawyers can uncover some really good stuff!

Second, loving one another is next to loving God in importance.  Wow.  Tell that to all the people across human history who have fought horrible wars in the name of religion.  From this verse, I don’t think that is exactly justified, but I’m a peace person, so that’s just me talking.

Third, loving God, ourselves, and others is the basis of the entire Gospel!  The scriptures available to the Jews at the time of Christ (The Old Testament or Torah) included the 5 books of Moses, called "The Law” and also the writings of the ancient prophets like Isaiah and Daniel, AKA “The Prophets.”  So what Christ was saying here is that all of holy writ up until that time hinged on the principle of love—love for God, ourselves, and others.  As holy writ has been added to over the years, I believe that this is still the theme of God’s plan: LOVE.

The current prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said this, just this past April in a talk entitled, Love—The Essence of the Gospel:

“Brothers and sisters, as we treat others with love and kind consideration, we will avoid [] regrets.

             "Love is expressed in many recognizable ways: a smile, a wave, a kind comment, a compliment. Other expressions may be more subtle, such as showing interest in another’s activities, teaching a principle with kindness and patience, visiting one who is ill or homebound. These words and actions and many others can communicate love.

“Dale Carnegie, a well-known American author and lecturer, believed that each person has within himself or herself the ‘power to increase the sum total of [the] world’s happiness … by giving a few words of sincere appreciation to someone who is lonely or discouraged.' Said he, 'Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime.’ (Larry Chang, Wisdom for the Soul {2006}, 54).

“May we begin now, this very day, to express love to all of God’s children, whether they be our family members, our friends, mere acquaintances, or total strangers. As we arise each morning, let us determine to respond with love and kindness to whatever might come our way.  

“Beyond comprehension, my brothers and sisters, is the love of God for us. Because of this love, He sent His Son, who loved us enough to give His life for us, that we might have eternal life. As we come to understand this incomparable gift, our hearts will be filled with love for our Eternal Father, for our Savior, and for all mankind.”

Reflecting on the sorrow that comes from not loving other, President Monson often quotes the American poet and abolitionist, John Greenleaf Whittier, who wrote the following poem:

Alas for maiden, alas for Judge,
For rich repiner and household drudge!
God pity them both! and pity us all,
Who vainly the dreams of youth recall;

For of all sad words of tongue or pen,

The saddest are these: "It might have been."

Don’t let that sadness be your sadness.  Failing to love and to give and to help to someone who needed us when we had the opportunity, will doubtless bring sorrow as time goes by.

President Spencer W. Kimball, a previous prophet of the LDS Church stated, “We must remember that those mortals we meet in parking lots, offices, elevators, and elsewhere are that portion of mankind God has given us to love and to serve. It will do us little good to speak of the general brotherhood of mankind if we cannot regard those who are all around us as our brothers and sisters.”

I am preaching to the choir here—it seems like all the people in my life are absolutely excelling at serving and loving the people around them, namely, serving and loving me.  This includes Dr. Brem slam dunking yet again, using his network of geniuses to get my tumor analyzed by the best pathologists in the country at Johns Hopkins, to get a second opinion on my “really crazy” (direct quote from his Nurse Practitioner, haha) tumor.  It is oh, so nice to have friends in high places :)  So, hopefully we’ll hear what they have to say in the near future.

MRI Before Surgery:

MRI After Surgery:

(The doctor said the smudge where the tumor was is excess blood from the operation that will diffuse.  And look! -- the medication to reduce swelling in my brain pre-op worked!  Look how much better it looks like everything fits!  I guess that is also due to the fact that a lemon of junk was removed...but either way, modern medicine at its finest!)

And in just a few days I finally get a chance to see my Radiation Oncologist at Penn and make plans for my follow-up care.  

I am feeling so blessed right now.  Thank you to all of my many caregivers in all capacities—doctors, nurses, receptionists, hospital valet parking personnel, Relief Society sisters, Bishops, parents, grandparents, siblings, extended family, friends from law school, college, and high school, people from church, Marchand Avenue, and Magnolia Park Pool—so many kind-hearted people from all over the world and from all points in my life have reached out to me with love, encouragement, empathy, and hope.   

I never understood the slogan that often accompanies Cancer Awareness paraphernalia “No One Fights Alone,” but now I definitely understand.  There is not one moment during this whole experience when I have been alone.  There was and continued to always be somebody there for me, holding my hand, wheeling my hospital bed around, fetching my favorite green smoothie, writing me a card or letter, creating a beautiful quilt, giving me a box of my favorite chocolates, making me smile, and any other million things just to show their love.  Receiving all of this love has been a life-changing experience in and of itself.  There just is not enough time in this life for anger or hate, so thank you for choosing to love.

(P.S. the gray ribbon represents Brain Cancer and Brain Tumors)

"Life is short and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are travelling the dark journey with us. Oh be swift to love, make haste to be kind."

~Henri-Frederic Amiel 

Our First Hike

This is a pretty big deal.

Not only was this our first hike ever together, but it was my first hike since surgery (hooray!), and it was my Mr. Jackson's first hike ever!  I know, unbelievable.

Jack is literally the King of New York.  I swear to you that if you give him any two points in New York City, he can recite from memory all of the trains and transfers you will need to take to get from A to B.  But my city boy was not really exposed to the Great Outdoors as a wee one.

I'm trying to fix this tragic deficit.

Whenever I talk about hiking he usually, mostly respectfully, says something like, "Now, I'm not trying to knock it, but I'm just trying to understand...but how is "hiking" any different from just walking?  Don't get mad!  I just don't get it."  (Me: eyes rolling)

You have to understand, I lived out of a sleeping bag for months.  Not because I was a hobo, but because I had the absolutely brilliant idea of doing a study abroad through the BYU Recreation Department in Australia.  Make no mistake, this lady can schlep it through the woods!

About a week ago, we discussed the merits of a log cabin rental VS a tent VS a camp trailer.  He likes to pretend, "Brothas don't camp," but I know he's intrigued!  He has already learned quite a bit; he is an excellent Outdoors Student and, if nothing else, a very good sport.

Fortunately, either spontaneity caught him off-guard or he wanted to support my recovery by joining me in something he knows I love, and this weekend we went on an impromptu hike at Sleeping Giant State Park in Connecticut after searching for homes(!!) and checking out the Peabody Museum at Yale.

Last week was my first full week after getting the green light from my physical therapist to walk without my cane.  With that new liberty, as well as having my mom back at her home so nobody could tell me I was going too fast or needed a break (sorry, Mom, I was a little naughty) I entered Turbo Time!  I have been speed walking for miles around downtown Philly, getting my groove back.  I felt ready for a little trail because if I can navigate cobblestone streets and sidewalks that have been on the city's Fix-It List for, oh, decades, while somehow not getting run over by taxis, then I think I can watch out for sticks and stones on a trail.

Plus- big, strong Jack was holding my hand or had an arm around me for support the whole time.  He even lifted me up over some big rocks at one spot (aww, so romantic!).  So we went on a little 3.2 mile loop to the top of the mountain on the Tower Trail.  As you might imagine, there is a large stone tower at the top which was built during the Depression by WPA workers- cool!

Unfortunately, Jack's confidence was not exactly bolstered by the fact that literally every child walking downhill while we were walking uphill was either screaming or crying.  I take that back, there was one kid who was neither screaming nor crying.  But she was saying to her mother quite calmly, "I am never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever coming back here again."

Great.

J: I like these kids, they're smart.  They don't want to be on this mountain either!
L: But aren't the trees here so pretty?
J: Yes, but I've got plenty of nice trees in my back yard.
L: Oh, look!  A chipmunk!
J: I've got plenty of those in my yard, too...
L: (sigh...)


But we made it to the top and --thank goodness-- the view, as it is from basically everywhere in this tree-stuffed state, was lovely.

And on our way down there was a really nice breeze, we were the only ones within our sight on the trail, and at one spot we were experiencing a surround-sound of singing birds and he said, "Now this I like."

And the highlight was when we he said, "Alright, yeah, I had a good time."

Choir of Angels: HALLELUJAH!  HAAAALELUJAH!

YES!!

To try to give him positive associations with hiking, we ate pizza at Sally's in New Haven for dinner right afterwards.  Excellent!

So don't you worry, Grandma, he will use that brand new camp pillow you got him from our REI Registry-- I'll make sure of it!  And I definitely see KOA cabins in our near future.  After all, you have to start somewhere :)

Medical Update #2

Change and decay in all around I see;

O thou who changest not, abide with me!

Abide With Me!*

Text: Henry F. Lyte, 1793-1847

Since my last post, so much has changed, including my diagnosis and prognosis!  But the important things in my life have stayed the same—my sweet fiancé and I are still full steam ahead for our wedding and our lives together.  I love my family and they love and support me, which means the world to me.  I have continued to receive so much kindness, including countless cards from individuals and families in my hometown 3000 miles away, whom I was sure had long forgotten me!   Thank you so much for your love!

Just to reiterate, according to my surgical team, my surgery was “a great success” and 100% of my brain tumor was removed.  With such a major surgery, I have had a lot to recover from.  My angel mother is still here in Philadelphia helping me transition back to my normal life.  I still cannot drive, mostly because of my medication, and I still see physical therapists, occupational therapists, and nurses regularly.  But my recovery has been going spectacularly!  Besides my detailed pill regiment and my prohibition on driving, lifting, and straining, I am nearly back to my normal life. 

(No more staples!  And my shaved hairs are even starting to grow back!)

I am so pleased with my recovery, and I want to share that I am doing so well.  My staples are all out and my incision is healing really well.  But I also must share the fact that we have some new developments from my medical team.

But first, from John, Chapter 20, in the King James Version of The Holy Bible:

 24 ¶But Thomas, one of the twelve, called Didymus, was not with them when Jesus came.

 25 The other disciples therefore said unto him, We have seen the Lord. But he said unto them, Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into his side, I will not believe.

 26 ¶And after eight days again his disciples were within, and Thomas with them: then came Jesus, the doors being shut, and stood in the midst, and said, Peace be unto you.

 27 Then saith he to Thomas, Reach hither thy finger, and behold my hands; and reach hither thy hand, and thrust it into my side: and be not faithless, but believing.

 28 And Thomas answered and said unto him, My Lord and my God.

 29 Jesus saith unto him, Thomas, because thou hast seen me, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.

This is the story giving the Apostle Thomas the unfortunate nickname of “Doubting Thomas.”  He wanted to see the Savior in order to believe that He had really risen from the dead.  I feel for Thomas—how many people had honestly been resurrected before then?  It must have been pretty difficult to believe.  And Thomas probably saw Jesus die with his own two eyes, so it would be incredibly difficult to imagine that He was living again.  We are in the same boat in these days.  Most of us don’t have the luxury of seeing the resurrected Lord, we are those whom Christ spoke of at the end of the passage—“blessed are they (that’s us!) that have not seen, and yet have believed.”

I have been reflecting on this story frequently in the recent weeks because there has been so much unknown in my life; there is so much that I cannot see and do not know.  I have been waiting and waiting to learn about the pathology of my tumor.  I have not known whether I have cancer or not, whether I will have to start chemotherapy or not, whether I can carry on with my life as planned or not.  I just have not known.  I have been going to bed with enormous question marks hovering right in front of my eyes.

On Friday, July 11, and then again today, I finally got some answers.  And the answers included big changes from information I had previously been relying on.  The biggest piece of news after the full Pathology study of my tumor was completed is that my brain tumor was a totally different type of tumor than anyone had expected.  Rather than a benign Meningioma, it is actually a very rare tumor called an Anaplastic Hemangiopercytoma– and it was malignant. 

Now before you panic, it was not malignant in the sense that I have cancer.  This is the Good News: I DO NOT HAVE CANCER and I praise the Lord because of it.  There is no fear that cancer cells or tumors will appear in other parts of my body.  However, this type of tumor is very likely to grow back in the same spot.  So unlike what we thought before, my fight with this tumor is far from over and I will be monitored to keep it from returning for the rest of my life.

In an effort to jump-start my fight to keep the tumor from returning, it looks like I will be undergoing a gentle form or radiation called Proton Therapy. Although it is more gentle than traditional radiation, it will still be pretty intense.  I am not sure if they will wait until after the wedding or not to do it, but I will know a lot more after the first week of August, when I see the Radiation Oncologist whom my Chief Brain Surgeon gave my case to.  It is so amazing that I have such advanced medical facilities literally right down my street.  (P.S. Thank you Ian for giving me a tour of the Proton Therapy facilities last year!  We had no idea at the time that I would be a patient there, but knowing what it is all about and what it looks like has been a HUGE source of comfort to me.  You are such a great friend in so many ways.)  And if they wait until after the wedding, I still have my apartment in Philly through most of the Fall if I need to stay here for my treatment.  Things will be pretty crazy when that is all going on, but I am confident that it is going to work out.

I have heard from so many of my loved ones all over the world that they were worried about me, prayed about me, and felt in their prayers that everything would be alright.  I really appreciated hearing this from so many people and I relied on it for a time.  But one night last week I realized that I, personally, wasn’t sure if everything actually was going to be alright.  I was worrying about one day at a time, and I had not wanted to think long-term for fear of what I would discover.  But I needed to know for myself if everything would be alright.  One night before going to sleep, I sat up in my bed and about as colloquially as I would speak to my parents, I asked, “Lord, IS everything going to be okay?”

Immediately I felt an overwhelming sense of love filling my whole heart.  Words flooded my mind and I knew that I was loved by God and that He was watching over me and knew what I felt and what I was going through.  I felt as clearly as if someone was speaking to me face-to-face that I had a life to live, a family to raise, and people to influence.  Things will be difficult and scary and tough, but YES-- everything will be alright.

All of my doctors, including the Radiation Oncologist, are still on board for the wedding taking place as scheduled.  It will be a small, quiet, sacred occasion with my close, immediate family in the Manhattan Temple.  I bought new wedding shoes—lower wedges—so I don’t fall in my less-balanced state :)  Besides the lower shoes, everything will go as planned.  I think it will be a more meaningful occasion now that we’ve really fought for it.  I also am looking forward to seeing my siblings, grandparents, and other family members SO much.  They have been big supporters throughout my medical melodrama and I just want to hug them all, and tell them I’m okay, and thank them for their prayers.  (P.S. I am also graciously accepting prayers that it will NOT rain in New York on August 30^th!  PLEASE!)

(Here we are after church last week—my first time at Sacrament Meeting since my operation)

Two things have been keeping me stable as I work to get back to my life.  The first is my family, especially my parents.  The second is my fiancé, my dear Sweet Jack. 

When nobody knew I was listening as I was lying on my hospital bed in the Intensive Care Unit with tubes and needles going everywhere, I could feel that my parents and my fiancé were there with me and I could hear them talking.  Their words betrayed nothing but love for me.  In the middle of the night when a nurse asked me to rate my pain, I could see my dad shudder out of the corner of my eye when I disclosed just how much I was hurting.  My pain hurt him.  I could literally see his empathy.  I still feel his empathy from across the country.

My poor mom dropped her whole life to help me get back to my life.  She has been away from her home for weeks now, crammed into my one-bedroom downtown apartment like a hostage.  How strange it must have been for her to go from having an independent, adult daughter who was preparing to get married and run her own household, to having a daughter who couldn’t even shower without help.  I am 27 years old and after I got out of the hospital, my mother shampooed and combed and braided my hair every day!  Again and again this quote comes to my mind as I watch her calmly, quietly serve me without complaint, while I feel frustrated and helpless—

            “All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.”  --Abraham Lincoln

And the love of my life, my own Mr. Jackson.  I have relied on his confidence the whole way through.  From the very beginning of this battle, he has been there to tell me that we will get through this and that no matter what, he loves me.  Again and again he has told me that this is just a speed bump, and we are still getting married, having a family, and having a life together.  On days when I haven’t been so sure about all of that, his sincerity and hope have been my strength.

Now back to our friend, Doubting Thomas.  When Christ did appear to His disciples in John 20, what was the first thing He said to them?  Here His apostles were all confused, having seen their leader and their God killed right in front of them.  How scary and strange that must have been!  Christ’s first communication to them was PEACE.  “Peace be unto you.”  No matter whether their faith had been perfect or not, no matter whether they knew He was coming back or not, Christ invited them to have peace.

All around me seems to be change, fear, and worry.  I feel these negative words crowing all around me, like they are trying to box me into a corner.  I have realized that despite my valiant efforts at living a healthy lifestyle, and despite being a mostly good person, and despite planning out the rest of my life in detail, there are really very few things within my absolute control.  But two of those few things that I can control are (1) what I believe, and (2) how I respond.  I choose to believe God loves me, and I choose to make an effort to feel peace in my heart and mind. 

(Rescue of the Lost Lamb by Minerva Teichert)

And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.

Helaman 5:12  
The Book of Mormon.

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

John 14:27  
The Holy Bible.

When I felt at my lowest of lows and my world was turned upside down, I can tell you honestly that it NEVER even occurred to me to abandon my faith.  It seems counter-intuitive since faith is belief of things unseen, but when all was in flux and I could not see the end point of anything, the only stable thing I could see was faith.  If I allowed doubt to steal away my faith, I would literally have had nothing left.  My faith was all that I had as I was wheeled alone into the Operating Room, so I fiercely guarded my faith and, more importantly, it guarded me.

~

* Full text of the hymn Abide With Me!   Written by Henry F. Lyte—

 1. Abide with me! fast falls the eventide;

The darkness deepens. Lord, with me abide!

When other helpers fail and comforts flee,

Help of the helpless, oh, abide with me!

 2. Swift to its close ebbs out life's little day.

Earth's joys grow dim; its glories pass away.

Change and decay in all around I see;

O thou who changest not, abide with me!

 3. I need thy presence ev'ry passing hour.

What but thy grace can foil the tempter's pow'r?

Who, like thyself, my guide and stay can be?

Thru cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me!

My Medical Update

Not for the faint of heart!  I really don't want to freak anyone out, but I feel like people are more freaked out not knowing the whole situation.  So here's the last few whirlwind weeks, for your information--

Hello to our dear loved ones.  This is Linds and I thought it was time that people got an update.  First of all, to just ease a few fears and get things out of the way:

  

    (1) I AM OKAY.  I am at home, not in the hospital anymore.  My mom is here taking care of me.

I 

    (2)  I  had a real life brain tumor- but it is now GONE.

  

    (3)  All signs point to it being a benign tumor, but Pathology is still scrutinizing it to be absolutely sure.

  

    (4) The Wedding and Open Houses are still happening on schedule!

I   (5) I did NOT have to get my head shaved! :DDD

~~

Beginning in February or March of this year, I started having some serious balance and stability issues—I would trip and fall frequently, have severe dizzy spells, and some nausea.  Just before we got engaged, a doctor diagnosed with me Vertigo (“BPPV”) thinking my balance issues were stemming from some inner-ear damage.  They gave me medicine and some physical therapy maneuvers to heal my inner ear.

Unfortunately, things actually got worse—I almost fell out my 3^rd story window one day in May!—so I knew I needed to go back to the doctor.  In the meanwhile, I was getting progressively worse headaches that seemed motion-related, like every time I stood up or turned my head too quickly.  There were a few other symptoms that I kind of brushed aside, like my handwriting getting clumsy and a few seconds of blurred vision once or twice. 

In June I went back to the doctor about the Vertigo and things did not quite add up for him—he was very concerned about the motion-based headaches.  We both thought it was over-kill at the time, but we decided to play it safe and order an MRI of my brain, just to make sure something else wasn’t going on.

So last month I had an outpatient MRI that was thankfully scheduled on a Saturday, so Clarence was down from Connecticut to attend the appointment with me, here in Philly.  We really went in expecting to find nothing and had just been joking the night before, “Will you still marry me if I have a brain tumor?!”  He said yes :)  Which actually turned out to be a big source of comfort for me later!

(My first night in the hospital before my parents could come to Philadelphia, somehow my Sweet Jack managed to squeeze into my hospital bed with me all night-- he was such a solace to me.)

We knew something was wrong when the MRI techs ushered us into a private room right after the exam and told us we had to wait for a doctor who was on his way from the main hospital building.  I already had an MRI follow-up appointment scheduled with my Primary Care Doctor for Monday (this was Saturday) so it seemed odd that they were in such a rush.  A doctor came in and said there were “abnormalities” on my scan and that the Emergency Room across the street was expecting me and I need to go there NOW.  Whoa.  And that’s all we knew.

So there we went!  As it just so happened, on that one particular Saturday, of all the days in the year, a very special doctor for the University of Pennsylvania was on-call in that ER.  They acted like he had never been on-call there before, but there he was.  It was Dr. Steven Brem- a world class neurosurgeon trained at Harvard, Cornell, Mass General Hospital (Boston) and now a hot shot at U Penn.  He reviewed my scans and immediately took my case.  Where all the other doctors were uncertain and wishy-washy, Dr. Brem was calm and confident.  He came in, showed Clarence and I some photos from my MRI and told us, “Yes, it is definitely a tumor.  It looks benign.  It is outside your brain on the membrane, not inside, making it a meningioma—which is the best kind of brain tumor to have if you must have one.” 

 (it is known as a "dumb-bell" shaped tumor because it has 2 separate round sides-- think like a weight lifting implement.  Because my sides were somewhat different in size, Dr. Brem said it was more like a Snowman, haha.  After the operation, he told me it was lemon-sized and quite deep.)

He said my type of brain tumor is his favorite type to remove!  Who has a favorite type of tumor?!  Haha!  Dr. Brem even gives lectures to surgeons on my type of tumor!  He said that my tumor spanned both of my hemispheres and was between a golf ball and tennis ball in size, and that it would be a very long and tricky operation because of all the nearby nerves and blood vessels, but that he could do it in one operation instead of 2, like most surgeons would have to, and that he could remove it all and it would not come back.  He provided so much information and stability and was such a breath of fresh air for us.  We relied on his confidence and knew he was there to help me.

All of my nurses reiterated that I had the best neurosurgical team.  Not the best in the hospital, or the best in the city, or even the best on the East Coast—but THE BEST.  And I totally agree.  People assumed I had come all the way from California for this operation with this team.  Members of my surgical team checked up on me around the clock and assured me that they would take care of me.  I told them that so many people were praying for them and that I trusted them. 

Of course my first question when Dr. Brem said they wanted to go in and take out the tumor was, “I’M GETTING MARRIED IN AUGUST, YOU DON’T HAVE TO SHAVE MY HEAD, RIGHT!?!”  This is a question a bride needs to know, after all!  He was so understanding.  As it happens, his daughter is exactly my age and she got married right after my surgery—just a week after I had met Dr. Brem.  He definitely understood all the pressure and planning around a wedding and he was so sensitive about encouraging me—you will have hair, you will be able to see, you will be able to walk down the aisle on August 30^th.  It was such a blessing to have his compassion and empathy.

Just the day before the scan, Clarence and I were in New York City and I got my hair practiced-styled for the wedding.  I had been planning to have it up, but went for down and now I’m so glad I did, since wearing it down will cover all my scars!  Just a tiny tender mercy for a bride-to-be :)

Dr. Brem requested that I be admitted to the hospital so I could take the first available surgical spot with his hand-selected A TEAM to perform the surgery.  He said lots of doctors wanted to be in on my case, because the tumor was so large –it has apparently been just quietly growing there for years!—and I was surprisingly young, healthy, and asymptomatic.  They all expected me to be blacking out and unable to see all of the time, based on its size and position. 

So one of the hardest parts was just waiting in the hospital for 5 days for my surgery, still feeling like my normal self, and trying not to lose my mind being cooped up in a hospital room.  And this is where so many of my dear friends really saved me by visiting me at the hospital, cheering me up, keeping me company, and just helping me to relax in a stressful situation.  It all just seemed unreal—if my name were not on the top of that brain scan, I wouldn’t even have believed it was mine!  I just felt like my normal, slightly clumsy self!

I was taken down for surgery on Thursday, June 26^th.  I was put under general anesthesia around 1:00pm and after hours of complicated surgery and a blood transfusion—the tumor was very bloody and tricky—I was transferred from the operating room to the Intensive Care Unit around 8:00pm, if I recall.  My Surgical A Team totally came through for me—they hardly shaved any of my hair, the breathing tube did not hurt my teeth, my vision is mostly intact and improving.  And best of all, after a post-operative MRI and CAT Scan, they tell me the tumor was 100% removed and should not come back ever again—that this was a cure, not just a quick fix.   

I now have a whopping 31 STAPLES in my head to hold my incision in place and they added in some metal plates and mesh to my skull, which is kind of cool.  We’re still waiting to hear if I can go on an airplane for our honeymoon, or if we’ll need to wait for me to be cleared for that.  But the wedding train is still on its track!

They expected I would be in the ICU for 5 days after my surgery and then maybe in an outpatient care facility for a while after that.  I was out of the ICU in only 3 days and released home from the hospital only one day after that—well ahead of schedule.  I have nurses and physical therapists who come see me at home a few times a week and my mother has been my angel, helping me night and day and nursing me back to vitality as I slowly recover from such a major operation.

So the tumor was lodged on my Cerebellum, which controls coordination and balance, which is why my writing has been failing and my balance had been so outta whack.  I walk with a cane for the time-being, just for added support, and I take things slow as my brain bounces back from the pressure of the tumor and the operation.   I just have to sleep most of the time because I can’t let my blood pressure go up at all, to allow my brain and nerves to heal and decompress.  

Much of the work to remove the tumor involved separating it from my ocular nerves, so probably the hardest part of my recovery is that my vision is off.  Shortly after surgery, I was seeing very bad double vision and had big blind spots on the right.  But the surgeons expected all of this and prepared me for it, and my vision is slowly improving every day.   My eyes do get tired very easily and just feel over-stimulated as my nerves are recovering.

(Clearly not the most flattering photo, but I was so happy to leave the hospital after being there for 10 days!)

I can only walk a few blocks a day, which is so frustrating.  I ran the Philadelphia Marathon in November and a half marathon in March and I expected to be in full-on bridal fitness mode at this point.  So it is really tough to feel like I’m atrophying into a pale marshmallow person, instead of jogging my way to sexy, confident bride.  I get really jealous when I see people jogging and cycling, so that has been difficult.  But I am so grateful to be alive and I am so grateful to be able to celebrate my life, and me and Clarence’s love and to rally with my family and friends as I gear up for the wedding on my own little schedule.  This experience definitely came out of the blue, but I think it came at exactly the proper time.

I had already stopped working in anticipation of moving to Connecticut, so I did not have to worry about loose ends at work, and my work insurance was due to expire—you guessed it—the exact day that I was released from the hospital.  And I still have my own apartment here in Philadelphia where I can quietly recover and attend my follow-up appointments.  Things are progressing ahead of schedule and I feel the strength of everyone’s love and prayers everyday.

I have shed many tears of feeling overwhelmed—but far more of them have been because I was so overwhelmed by the love and compassion and care of all of you reaching out to me and my family and fiancé.  Far fewer tears have been shed feeling overwhelmed and afraid of my diagnosis.  This has really changed my heart to see so much good in people and to want to share more love, knowing what a difference it can really make for a person in need.  I have felt the sweet assurances of Priesthood blessings and prayers from all over the world and it has all meant so much to me.  Thank you for your love, I love you all too!   

Thank you, thank you, thank you!