Marriage Equality, Mormons, and Love

Written by a life-long Mormon, who was married in a Latter-day Saint temple, who is also a lawyer, who wrote a huge final exam in her Constitutional Law class on the legal arguments for Marriage Equality.  

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Written primarily to a Latter-day Saint audience.

PREFACE:

Oh, how many times I have said to myself, “Self, why don’t you just save this on your Desktop?  No need to thrust yourself into an abyss of chatter over an already over-blogged event.  Plus, your grandma might get mad…”  Unfortunately for me, my grandma, and perhaps you—I did not listen to that abundantly reasonable inner suggestion.  Because if a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, does it really make a sound?

I intentionally distanced myself from the Gay Marriage/Marriage Equality (nomenclature heavily dependent on whatever position you are pushing) debate for YEARS.

Because of the numbing hatred I witnessed on both sides for nearly a decade, I removed myself from the entire conversation until today.  I guess I finally feel safe to call it as I see it. 

I recall hearing the poisonous rhetoric of conservatives: they will teach our kindergarteners about gay sex if gay marriage is a political right (NOTE: they scarcely even teach your high school students about any kind of sex anymore…) and then there was, the Church* cannot in good conscience perform gay marriages, and so we will be forced to stop performing ALL marriages if gay marriage is legalized.  And so forth.

(*Note that all “Church” references refer to The Church ofJesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.)

Meanwhile, with slander and hate speech going on towards the LGBT community from many in the greater conservative/religious community, there were also many Marriage Equality supporters fighting right back with hate of their own—defacing our chapels, branding every religious person who opened his mouth as a bigot, and turning places of sacred solace for earnest religious people into backdrops for vindictive protests.

Recall that when I was a college student at BYU, tucked away in Provo, that back at home in California, the Prop 8 battle (to put a prohibition against Gay Marriage in the California state constitution) was madly raging.  Much to my confusion, I was not protected from this battle by my distance from home.  Instead, huge meetings congregated  —mandatory, as far as I knew—arranged for Californian BYU students, encouraging us to volunteer as much as we could at call centers to call our fellow California voters and convince them to vote YES.   And so, so many students took the bait, puffing themselves up in self-righteousness, certain that their number of volunteer hours somehow equated to their level of spirituality.  And how many hours did I volunteer at call centers?  Nada, nada, limonada.  Zero. 

I was baffled.  And I was uncomfortable with the whole situation.  Hasn’t this church intentionally steered clear of politics for decades?   Don’t they always have the Bishop read a letter to everyone around election time encouraging members to vote for whomever they feel will serve best?  After all, that’s one of our main tenets—pray about things for one’s own self, receive one’s own personal revelation.   So then why are we suddenly being told, carte blanche, how to vote?

I suppose I get it: another one of our primary tenets is family and it is our long-held doctrine that we are all part of the human family and that we remain together in our familial units throughout the eternities if we make and keep the covenants and ordinances required for exaltation (baptism, temple marriage…).  So of course, like many religious folks, that definition of “family unit” strictly applies to Ma, Pa, and kiddos – and homosexual couples have no real place in that version of family. 

Regardless of what marriages are legally permitted now or in the future, be they gay couples, polyandrous groups, polygamous groups, or marriages between humans and animals or humans and robots (I like sci fi), the position of the LDS church will never change—the highest, holiest covenant is a temple marriage, and it is only available to a couple comprised of a morally worthy male Church member plus a morally worthy female Church member. 

Ergo, coupling with someone of the opposite sex isn’t the only requirement.   There’s also a whole slew of worthiness requirements (no un-repented pre-marital sex; no tobacco, alcohol, coffee, or drugs; etc.) and membership requirements (baptized for at least one year, approved by your Bishop and other local leaders, etc.).  That’s our doctrine.  We don’t apologize for it, we only live it as best we can, knowing that many people are excluded from temple marriage because of these stringent, unchanging religious requirements.  (In other words, we’re not just picking on gay people, but also on child brides, people from other religions, drug addicts and alcoholics or anyone currently using controlled substances, etc.)

So I understand when people say that marriage is paramount to our religion, and therefore the preservation of marriage is worth fighting for.

What I DO NOT understand is how the legalization of gay marriage somehow sullies or damages your temple marriage. 

Think of it this way, marriage between a man and a woman is only one prong among the requirements for potential temple marriages:

(a) One man, one woman

(b) Worthy to enter the temple

(c) Members of the LDS church

Do you have similar beef with marriages between “unworthy” people as you do between same-sex couples?  Would you fight for a law that said knocked-up brides can’t get civilly wed because they couldn’t get married in the temple?  Does an “unrighteous” couple’s civil marriage defile the sanctity of your temple marriage?

And what about the membership prong?  Are you lobbying Congress to strictly limit all U.S. marriages to Mormons getting married in a Mormon temple, not allowing anyone else of any other faith to get married?  I sure hope not.  Does someone else’s marriage in a Catholic church or a Jewish synagogue or a courthouse or a beach or a barn make your marriage in a temple less sanctified?  Certainly not.

If you truly believe that a marriage in a temple binds you to your spouse and children for the eternities and that, with proper Priesthood authority, your marriage “bound on earth will be bound in heaven” then how could you possibly feel that your eternal marriage could be threatened by some man-made law?   

The Church is present in plenty of countries where Gay Marriage is legal—Brazil, Argentina, South Africa, Denmark, Sweden, France, England…  And yes, EACH of those countries have LDS temples where temple marriages are performed nearly every single day.  Therefore, it logically follows that the rhetoric that once gay marriage is passed, we will have to close our doors to performing temple marriages is total BUNK. 

Look at us now.  Gay Marriage is legal in the U.S. and so what? 

Is your eternal marriage threatened? 

Is your relationship with your family cheapened? 

Is the Church shutting down temples? 

No, no, and no. 

And why not?  Because frankly, this issue is not about you and it never was about you.  It was about granting a civil right to a marginalized class, somewhat recently recognized by our political leaders as a legitimate group of people with earnest feelings and an honest desire to express the love that they feel in the most serious way that humans know how—marriage.  This issue was always about earning a civil right for homosexual people, and never about stripping away a religious right for heterosexual people or conservative institutions.  You’re right that marriage is immensely important.  It is SO important that the Supreme Court of the United States of America (SCOTUS) has been reiterating for years that marriage is among the rights held most sacred by American law—marriage is a fundamental right.

And now about the Mormons.

One thing I really do appreciate is that the Church’s response has largely been one of love for others, while remaining true to its core beliefs.  And I don’t think that is a contradiction.  Years before the SCOTUS ruling, the Church began an anti-bullying campaign that focused on respecting and loving young people who are gay.

If you are interested in the official LDS stance, then check out the church-sanctioned site mormonsandgays.org.  The first three major headings at that website echo this sentiment of love and civility:

“Love One Another: A Discussion on Same-Sex Attraction”

“Our Common Humanity”

“Love One Another—The Great Christian Imperative”

And WAY back in 2007, the Church published a section in a manual entitled “God Loveth His Children” emphasizing that no matter whom you are attracted to, you are God’s child, He loves you, and you will be able to receive all the blessings of the gospel.

You may disagree with the somewhat pitying tone it uses to describe those “troubled” with homosexual feelings.  But, regardless, I think that for such a conservative church, it is actually a somewhat progressive article.  It starts this way:

This message is intended for Latter-day Saints who are troubled with same-gender attraction and sometimes feel discouraged but sincerely desire to live a life pleasing to our Father in Heaven.

You are a son or daughter of God, and our hearts reach out to you in warmth and affection. Notwithstanding your present same-gender attractions, you can be happy during this life, lead a morally clean life, perform meaningful service in the Church, enjoy full fellowship with your fellow Saints, and ultimately receive all the blessings of eternal life.

The Book of Mormon prophet Nephi voiced feelings we all have when he acknowledged that he did not “know the meaning of all things.” But he testified, “I know that [God] loveth his children” (1 Nephi 11:17). God does indeed love all His children. Many questions, however, including some related to same-gender attractions, must await a future answer, even in the next life. But God has revealed simple, unchanging truths to guide us. He loves all His children, and because He loves you, you can trust Him.

This article does not advocate an easy approach for gay Church members—a suggested life of celibacy and singlehood in order to stay morally clean seems extreme for a family-centered church that doesn’t even have nuns or monks or any other celibate clergy.  But isn’t a life of celibacy the same thing that the Church asks of straight members who never marry?   

But is that too much to ask, whether you’re gay or straight?  At times in my life when I saw no temple-worthy options for me to marry, I certainly considered marriage outside of the sanctioned temple ordinances.  However, the doctrine seems to say to wait it out and have hope for marriage blessings in the next life.  But I understand that for so many, that is an unthinkable sacrifice.  Living life alone could be an unbearable cross.  I cannot presume to put myself in your position, and so I will not speculate on what I would do.  Suffice it to say, that I support you in whatever your earnest, heartfelt decision is.  It is your life and only you can make your own choices (personal revelation!).  I certainly won’t choose for you.  And this church will never force you; domineering control is not the Lord’s way.  Freedom of choices and their inherent consequences are the rules of mortality.

And there are so, so many LDS people who have taken this gentler approach of 1) I don’t know all the answers, but 2) I know that I should love others regardless of the answers.  You may have even noted in the news recently that the LDS Church made a significant in-kind donation of food to a nonprofit that primarily helps homeless LGBT youth.  As further evidence of this loving movement, there is a site set up by LDS people called I’ll Walk With You.  If you’re not aware, this title is taken from a beautiful song in our children’s hymnal.  It is one of a handful of hymns that can make me cry on demand.  I always thought its words were about showing kindness to people with disabilities, but I think that the sentiment also applies to showing kindness to people who feel different because of their sexual identity.

If you don't walk as most people do,

Some people walk away from you,

But I won't! I won't!

If you don't talk as most people do,

Some people talk and laugh at you,

But I won't! I won't!

I'll walk with you. I'll talk with you.

That's how I'll show my love for you.

Jesus walked away from none.

He gave his love to ev'ryone.

So I will! I will!

Jesus blessed all he could see,

Then turned and said, "Come, follow me."

And I will! I will!

I will! I will!

I'll walk with you. I'll talk with you.

That's how I'll show my love for you.

            Words by Carol Lynn Pearson

I reminded my New Testament–focused Sunday School class a couple weeks ago that we were expressly commanded to love by the Savior.  But we were not commanded to just give any old kind of love, we were commanded to love others the way that God Himself loves us.  The New Testament was first written in Greek, so it could reach a broader audience than Aramaic or Hebrew would allow.  In the Greek New Testament, there are three words commonly translated into the English word “love.”

Eros: romantic or sexual love

Philia: familial or brotherly love

Agape: charity or godly love.

Agape is the unconditional love that God has for His children, and the love that believers have for their God.  It is also the type of love that we are commanded to have for each other.  Agape was the word translated as "love" in the following familiar verse:

John 13:34  A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. 

It doesn’t mean you have to approve, it doesn’t mean you have to celebrate, it doesn’t mean you have to politically advocate.  But it does mean being kind, being respectful, being a friend, being a shoulder to lean on.

“Love is the beginning, the middle, and the end of discipleship.”

            Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, Quorum of the 12 Apostles

                 The Great Commandment, October 2007 (incidentally, one of my favorite talks of all time)

EPILOGUE:

{A}

And, no, gay marriage does not open the door for legalizing pedophilia.  Gay marriage is between two consenting adults; pedophilia is not.  In this country, the most stringent (and arguably most onerous) laws and punishments come from accusations and convictions of child molestation.  Only sex crimes, particularly involving children, require perpetrators to register everywhere they go.  There are even evidentiary exceptions, essentially loosening up the regular rules of court, when a child makes an allegation of sexual abuse.  So based on public opinion and current laws, I absolutely find no merit in the argument that gay marriage paves the way for adults to exploit children legally. 

 {B}

Now, as to your similar assertion that gay marriage opens the door to legalizing polygamy, there is only slightly more traction.   Marriage between one man and one woman has been federal law for a very long time.  I think it was changed now because of:

1) Public Opinion

2) Conventionalization of a previously outsider class

3) Support from large litigating bodies like the ACLU, to find “ideal” Plaintiffs and fund costly lawsuits

While under the “consenting adult” framework, polygamy doesn’t seem to be too far of a stretch, so long as all of the wives (or husbands, if you’re talking about polyandry) are okay with the unusual marriage situation.  However, this has been against the law for quite some time, and I don’t see it changing until the above-mentioned 3 conditions are met:

1) Public Opinion.  After research study after study demonstrated that children raised by two gay parents were just as well adjusted as children of straight parents, public opinion was no longer as firmly rooted against Gay Marriage for the sake of the kids.  There is no equivalent study about children of polygamous parents, as far as I am aware, to begin to shift public opinion in favor of legalizing polygamy.  To the contrary, what I know about children of polygamous families is that they are under-educated, impoverished, starved of society, and often forced into young marriages.  The same, of course, applies to the adults.  Therefore, until it is demonstrated that this is not true, I do not see public opinion changing to support legalizing polygamy.

2) Conventionalization of a previously outsider class.  Nope, they are still the crazies out in the dessert with weird hair and clothes.  This condition has certainly not been met, nor do I see it really ever being met.

3) Support from the ACLU.  As far as I am aware, the ACLU has very little interest in protecting this class of people.  I may be wrong, but it seems they have many more important battles…  Besides that, I find the polygamist folks to not be particularly litigious.  I imagine them using prayer more than the courts.  And besides, except for a couple largely publicized raids, polygamist communities are usually left alone by law enforcement.  So there is really nothing for them to sue over, especially since they perform their own religious marriages, regardless of what the laws of the lands may be.  Therefore, they are really not sufficiently “harmed” by laws prohibiting polygamy, since they ignore them anyway and get away with continuing to have their “marriages” however and whenever they want.

In sum, no, polygamy will not reach SCOTUS, at least not in my opinion, and not in my lifetime.

Tumor-versary

Some time during these twelve pensive, recovering, normalizing, healing months, I turned my radiation mask into some art.  I don't create things... like, ever.  So this was a big deal for me.

(I have to shout out to Maeve Griffin, Moore College of Art and Design grad, who gave me some of her discarded studies for her work Vain, which serve as background, in part, on both of my little canvases.  She is a great artist, check her out: http://www.maevegriffin.com/ )


Many somber thoughts have been spent thinking about how this is currently the end of June, and that last year on June 21, I was admitted to the hospital after an MRI revealed a gigantic brain tumor.  Last year on June 26 I was having hours and hours of brain surgery.  Last year on June 30, I was discharged from the hospital, barely able to walk, barely able to see, and barely able to stay awake for more than a few hours a day, and loaded up with drugs.

It has been a year since my crazy ride with cancer began.

One of the things I started doing last fall which turned out to be a great therapeutic outlet while recovering from radiation, was to write my experiences down.  I chose to write the important events exactly how I remembered them, but I gave the experiences a different cast of characters.  If I ever finish writing it, my story will be about a young lady (not me) going through my same struggles, and some struggles unique to her as well.  The moral of her story will be the same as it is for me-- you can get through anything, one day at a time, and build the life you want in spite of the odds.

In this story, I wrote down exactly what I remember thinking and feeling when I was coming to after 6 or 7 hours of intense brain surgery.  This is what I remember:




-->

Red-black darkness.  I am frozen inside a lightless tunnel of raging static that crushes my inner ears.

I do not hear or see or speak or move, but I feel the darkness, I feel a fiery heat, and I feel the static.  The epicenter of these feelings is the back of my head.  That deafening static is inside my nerves, screaming to my senses that the back of my head is in great agony.  Is this what it feels like to have the back of your head shot off?  To have a burning axe come down on you?

Wait...this is pain.  I am not feeling sound or color, I am feeling pain.  

--I am suddenly cognizant of my own thoughts--

If I am feeling pain and I am conscious, then I must be out of surgery and I AM ALIVE!

I am exultant at my discovery, but still cannot move.  I cannot remember how to move.  Time passes, I fade in and out, but I know I am alive.  I wait for my life to come back to me completely. 

But it won’t come back.  

I know I am breathing and thinking and in pain, but I otherwise feel utterly lifeless.  I am a zested lemon—a mound of pale pith, scraped clean of my essence.

More time passes.

Now I can hear.  I begin to hear whispers.  I recognize the voices of loved ones.  They are quiet, standing guard in the corner.  I strain to hear their words, but cannot understand them.  After taking several breaths as deep as I can manage, I tell my mouth to shout, “Sweetheart!” but all I hear is a slurred, breathy sigh before my lips collapse onto each other once more.  I squeeze my forehead to try to open my eyes, but my eyelids will not move.

This struggle went on for some time, it felt like days, it may have been mere seconds, and I finally communicated with Jack and my parents.  I still shudder when I remember feeling only that loud, hot, red blackness.  I have such strong memories of the moment I realized that I had survived the surgery.  I hate to admit that I was a tiny bit surprised that I was alive.

It seems like that was so long ago, and it surprises me that it was only a year ago.  So much has happened in that year, sometimes I feel like I'm not even that same person anymore.  Yet, last year will forever color what I do in the present and future.  I think of a (somewhat-depressing) quote-- one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books by one of my favorite authors:

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

Next month I get to see my Neuro-Oncologist at Yale for a follow-up MRI, so we will see how things are faring.  I feel well now, and we are planning for our future, which is what matters most.

For your continued support, concern, and prayers, I can never thank you enough.  So many people that I hardly know --or don't know at all-- grab my hands when they see me, stare into my eyes, and ask, "How are you feeling?"  They don't ask like we ask passing strangers, they ask like they really want to know the answer, like their own happiness depends on my answer.  I know that I am in the hearts and prayers of so many, and I truly appreciate it.

One year down, and hopefully many, many more happy, healthy, cherished years to come!

Mood Swings and Honesty

Preface:  This is meant to be funny.  While it is a sadly true tale, I don’t mean to criticize anyone, it’s just that the humor of my not good-natured thoughts is not lost on me.  I recorded many of my recent crazy thoughts to share, just to illustrate how hilariously ridiculous they were :-)

This may be a bit personal, but anyone who’s been around me much recently could probably tell you this already.  Since my surgery, I have found myself to be more…honest.  Not more honest as in, I no longer steal from the cookie jar, or whatever.  What I mean is that I kind of word-vomit my feelings now, even if they might be a little offensive.  Maybe it’s the idea that life is too short to bottle your feelings…or maybe its just brain damage. 

A professional at Smilow Cancer Center up here at Yale who reviewed my file and talked with me after I reported some odd mood swings and other emotional stuff, reminded me that my brain has been traumatized.  She compared my post-op brain with someone who has a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)! 

I immediately thought of poor combat veterans with TBIs who can become violent and erratic— Huh?!  Am I like that?? 

Maybe telling people, deadpan, that the things they are saying are “utterly ridiculous,” isn’t so bad of a side effect after all!  She reminded me that things are still working on normalizing, including brain-produced hormones and such.

I am trying to quell my Negative Nancy moments, and I do think things are improving.  I have so far been very successful in letting my Prefrontal Cortex delete the mean Facebook and Instagram and Pinterest comments I SO want to write.

Here’s an example of my Mean-Lady-Brain comments that have FOR REAL been in my head and I have stopped myself from writing:

You’re seriously still doing that summer camp job?  Don’t you think its time to grow up?

Is that honestly the best selfie you could come up with?  It’s hideous.

Nice cankles, homie.

Well, I can see that SOMEBODY didn't hire a wedding planner…

It’s a shame you don’t know how to dress yourself.

DAAAAANG!!  You must have gained 70 pounds since I saw you last!  Stress, much?

Why are you posting that crap about your emotions?  Fishing for compliments is immature, and nobody cares about your so-called ‘terrible day.’  Try having brain surgery and then tell me what kind of day you’re having. [That one I’ve wanted to write like 100 times…]

#SucksToSuck

And oddly, something as benign as food pictures can bring out the unfeeling fun-sucker in me…

“That looks disgusting.  I feel sorry for your gastrointestinal tract.”

“Learn to cook, moron.  My baby niece could have made that…better.”

“You must be from Utah, because nobody else in the country/world would concoct something so full of Oreo crumbs and barf and call it ‘baking’…let alone actually eat it.”

“Aaaaaand that’s why you’re so fat.”

 

Ouch, right?  (But seriously, what kind of dummy puts the word DIRT in the title of her dessert recipe?!?  Gross.  Just, no.)  I’m sorry for thinking mean thoughts about literally everyone I know, and so many people whom I don't know.  My brain made me do it ;)

But I could make an excellent online troll, no?

Hair Drama

First one HUGE caveat, I am completely aware that I am unbelievably lucky that I actually have a semi-full head of hair.  The FIRST thing I asked my neurosurgeon when he proposed surgery was if he was going to need to shave my head.  By great fortune, the answer was no.  By even greater fortune I had a radiation method that was alternative to chemotherapy, which only left me with (along with the small shaved portion around my surgical incision) several silver dollar-sized bald spots spread around my head, mostly out-of-sight. 

My uber-competent hairstylist in New York did an amazing job getting my traumatized hair styled for the wedding after my surgery, and I could not have been more pleased with how my hair looked on my wedding day!

However, despite my great fortune in keeping most of my hair, I must admit that lately every single day has been a BAD HAIR DAY.  The last little while has included several bad hair months.  The hair around my incision is now about 4 or 5 inches long.  The hair from my bald spots is now 3 or 4 inches long.  These sticky-outy patches of shorter hairs have effectively made a series of new callicks/cowlicks along the back of my head. 

It also means that the shorter hairs from the incision near the nape of my neck are impossible to get into a ponytail or bun, they just always hang down no matter how much hairspray I use.

And then there's the little bald spot right at the crown of my head that gives me that Alfalfa look. 

It just hangs out up there like a little wing.

And I have about 2% of bangs from the former bald spot right at the front of my hair.

Yes, things in my hair situation are really obnoxious right now.  No style can tame all of the goofy spots, there is always something sticking out or hanging down somewhere.

So I spoke with a local hairstylist and she was impressed with how quickly the hair has grown-- it seriously is growing fast, especially when they thought the hair may take 4 months to start re-growing, and may never grow back at all.  I credit this shampoo that Sopi hooked me up with, as well as my faithful ingestion of Hair, Skin & Nails pills.

She and I believe that if I have my hair shorter for the next few haircut cycles, that most of the awkward spots will have a chance to catch up to the rest of my hair-- hooray!  So I went for it, the big chop!  Credit to Kate Mara for popularizing the Lob (long bob), which is exactly what I went for.

Seeing all this on the ground was scary...

But I LOVE the new 'do! 

As I walked home and the breeze flowed through it, I thought, "This is so great!  How can anyone have long hair?!"  I think that's a good sign :)  Onward and upward!

Poem

I have written poems for as long as I can remember.  But I usually keep them to myself because I consider them my private expression, often about very personal feelings or subject matter.  So be surprised when I announce that, below, I am pasting a poem I recently wrote.  After all, mom's deserve special consideration; good moms, doubly so!  Perhaps by the time next Mother's Day rolls around, I will have managed to make it all rhyme, but I kinda like how it is-- more like a spoken-word piece. 

Quiet Thank Yous

A free-form poem about my mom

Biology joined us three decades ago

And biology binds us still

But we share much more than genetic codes:

Time, emotion, happiness, and even trauma

These threads span the continent

Connecting our distant hearts

And our prayers span the cosmos

Connecting our different spirits

Different, I say, because she is sweet

While I boast an honest, Realist streak.

She knows what is right and what is good,

While I think I always know what is best

I find myself year after year,

Eating my proverbial hat

It’s hard to say, “You’re right”

It’s harder to say, “I’m sorry”

When I find I don’t know it all

When I realize your unseen service

I can’t scream my gratitude, for shyness

So all you may get is a quiet thank you

A thank you so faint, it is scarcely there,

A whisper that’s unheard off-stage

But the feelings behind the murmur

Can fill an orchestra hall with your praise

A little girl with pigtails, crying for Mom,

Can only manage a murmur

Of thank you through her tears-

She doesn’t know what else to say

A young lady is unspeakably grateful

When you sacrifice your knitting needle

To relieve her itchy, cast-covered arm

All she can think to say is a quiet thank you

A new graduate, alone and so far from home

Hates to admit that she misses her mom

So when the family all flies in to see her

No words can express, so none are said

The young woman is now lost inside her own head

She cannot see past all the staples and dread,

Only one stays beside her, both day and night

This faithful one is, of course, that dear mom

The mom who has only received quiet thank yous,

The mom who now helps the young woman walk,

The mom who must help her adult-child shower,

The mom who lends a shoulder as her daughter cries.

The walls are covered with charts for the young woman’s progress

The refrigerator is full of her most favorite things

Mom is now her physical therapist, her nurse, and her friend

As the young woman leans on mom and dares to still live

And now, yet again, there seems nothing to give

Nothing the daughter can do

Nothing to account for the weeks of loving

Nothing but a quiet thank you

Healing months are welcomed home

And a bride stands next to her tearful mom

They look in the mirror, and mom zips the bride,

Who stares in the mirror, love brimming inside

The bride hesitates- can she do it alone?

Time to now leave the sanctuary of mom.

And what can she do, to express years of joy?

To give thanks for boundless love and care?

One word on the subject would surely bring tears

And the photographer is waiting outside.

Nothing can encompass the love she has felt,

The protection mom has been her whole life.

And so, yet again, we see the dear daughter,

The object of decades of grace,

With nothing but gratitude in her growing heart,

Offering a quiet thank you and embrace.

 

There really are no words except that I love you, Momma Pea! xoxo

May The 4th Be With You

Because everyone needs a little Star Wars fun once in a while...

AMAZING talent displayed in the felted movie scenes described as EPIC YARNS on Nerdist.com

And there are many adorable and creative treat recipes (even Paleo Storm Trooper Cookies!) from Just Jenn Recipes

Williams Sonoma has been a great source of Star Wars items for the past several years, including selling the Star Wars cookie cutters and pancakes molds which we own! 

Talking to Cancer Patients,

...and not making a fool out of yourself.

~~~

With Handsome Hubs, Jack, in the financial planning world, I attended a life insurance seminar with him to support one of his colleagues who helped with the presentation.  Of course, a presentation like this naturally invites self-reflection and postulating on one’s future.  As the presentation went on, I suddenly felt rather alienated.

So here I am educating myself about life insurance—I am in my late 20’s, a healthy weight, a healthy lifestyle, employed… and utterly un-insurable.   All thanks to that dastardly, little phrase pre-existing condition.  Whaaaa :’(  

(chart from Global Tort article reading "Over 10 Million Americans are uninsurable cancer survivors... do you take your health insurance coverage for granted?")

Is that depressing, or what?  I will always be behind the 8-ball. 

So the only good news is that I am finally confident that my life will not end like a Poirot episode… nobody will possibly be able to murder me for the life insurance money, because I can’t get a policy!  What a relief, right? Haha

This is just a small example of how that whole cancer thing is still always on my mind (no pun intended) and still seems to feel so ridiculously unfair.

Somehow I got subscribed to Cosmopolitan magazine (this has a point, I swear…), I don’t pay for it and I never have –as far as I am aware—but it just keeps showing up in our mailbox, so sometimes I read it on the elliptical while listening to Stuff Mom Never Told You, to get my extra boost of female empowerment for the day.  It is a trashy magazine with a lot of nonsense articles and laughable fashion advice.  Generally all things read therein are of dubious credibility, scarcely hiding a nefarious agenda, or they're just plain stupid.

So you can imagine my surprise when a very refreshing and captivating article caught my eye enough to pause my podcast, and then actually read through the entire article, and then be inspired to write this very blog post.  Yes, miracles do happen, as evidenced by something remotely worthwhile being found within the pages of Cosmo.  (To give credit where it is due, they seem to have one EXCELLENT article about every quarter.)

The article is called I Have Cancer And It Sucks and it is written by chemo-weakened, smooth-headed Deanna Pai who is, of all occupations, a Beauty Editor for Cosmopolitan.  I have come to expect reading these syrupy, uplifting “I beat cancer and I am so much stronger now that I would not change anything about my life…” articles by cancer survivors.  Whomever keeps writing all these articles is lying.  I, for one, would not wish my brain tumor removal surgery on my worst enemy.  Living a life of uncertainty and unfairness is a life that anyone in their right mind would go back and change if they could!  I certainly agree with this little article's title—everything about cancer SUCKS and there’s no doubt about it!

I admit that although I lost plenty of hair and had plenty of nasty radiation side effects, getting chemotherapy is a whole different (horrible) ballgame.    Still, I could totally relate to this part of her piece:

“[After describing her pretty healthy lifestyle…]  How am I the cancer patient?  How?  I need an explanation, but there is none.   Researchers at Johns Hopkins just discovered that many cancers are, like mine, the work of plain bad luck.

“I feel better in the waiting room…surrounded by all the other unlucky people.  We’re in this together, even if most are old and decrepit and have had the chance to live their lives.  Then I step outside and see the people whose veins are whole, who have hair on their heads, who didn’t spend the morning being stabbed repeatedly with giant needles.  I hate and envy them all.  But nothing pisses me off quite like a smoker.  Really?  You want to look like me?”

Oh, the lengthy complaints I left at Penn Medicine regarding all of the people smoking outside the hospital…  Smokers really drive me crazy, now more than ever.  It is a simply asinine habit.

The article-writer then went on to discuss some do’s and don’ts for when talking with someone going through cancer.  This is a very important thing to think about before you find yourself in this exact conversation and end up hurting someone's fragile feelings, or not being a resource for someone when you could have been.

Based on my own experiences, I wrote up some my own list of things to keep in mind when you speak to a loved one or friend after he or she has had seriously bad medical news, a major operation, radiation, chemo, et cetera:

-We are EXHAUSTED.  Emotionally, physically, financially—exhausted in every way.  Our bodies are doing the best they can do…which is not that great. 

-We may want to be ALONE.  Considering how tired we are, and how prone we are to combust into tears, being around people –even the ones we love—may be overwhelming.  And we may not have the energy to vocalize this when you are sitting on our couch, and in our face.  Please respect our space and (1) ask before visiting, (2) keeps visits brief, and (3) don’t get upset that we don’t just “cheer up” because you are there with your happy face on.

-Sometimes we want to TALK about what’s going on, and sometimes we really don’t.  My advice is to ask about our schedule, to assess if we need rides or other help.  But don’t ask about the nitty-gritty directly.  Sometimes I knew that if I started talking about certain things, I would have an emotional melt-down, so I just didn't want to go there.  But if I do want to talk with you about what I am going through, please just let me talk as long as I need.  You may be the only person I feel I can be honest with, so please don’t rob me of that relief from sharing my pain.

-Do not, I repeat, DO NOT proceed to tell us, “Oh, my grandpa’s sister/my cousin/my neighbor/my sister-in-law/whomever had cancer, so I know how rough it can be.”  Especially don’t tell these stories if the subject ultimately died.  This should be obvious, but you would not believe how many times I heard, “Oh, my grandpa died of brain cancer…”  GEE, THANKS!  Happy to hear that rousing anti-success story!   Also, even if your relative somehow had the same exact cancer as me, everyone’s experience is so vastly different, that there is really not much comfort in hearing you compare us, especially since you have no idea what you’re talking about.

-Adding to the one above^, YOU DON’T KNOW HOW ROUGH IT CAN BE.   Comments like “I understand,” “I’ve been through something similar…” (having your tonsils removed is NOT similar!!) or “I know how you feel” = slaps in the face that minimize our pain.

-People were really sweet about bringing food, but my diet was SO restricted after surgery and then my appetite was SO messed up during radiation, that I didn’t eat much of anything that people brought me.  So if a loved one near you is fighting cancer, definitely do call and ask if you can bring them food, but be sure to ask specific questions like, (1) Are there foods you are focusing on or staying away from right now?  (2) What things sound good to you right now? (for me, it was exclusively potatoes and ice cream sandwiches!)  (3) What time of day are you usually hungry and able to eat?  (4) What can I bring you in particular from your favorite café?  We may be too tired or apathetic to tell you these things spontaneously, so please ask.  Having something we are actually looking forward to eating can really turn our day around.

-This final point was driven home by the Cosmo article, sometimes the best response when we are feeling down, is a simple “That really sucks.”  Because, yes, it does suck and not everyone is willing to acknowledge that.  Doctors can’t possibly have the emotional capacity to commiserate with every patient, plus they are focused on long-term fixing, not on how bad of a day you’re having.   And many well-meaning people have nothing to offer but un-ending, forced positivity.  But no matter how you spin it, we are in a really crappy situation, and we know it.  “You’ll be okay; you’re strong,” is not necessarily true, and we don’t want to hear it.   “That sucks, I love you, can I bring you a treat or a movie to help today be a tiny bit better?”  Now that’s a winning response.